neko_kirin3104 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
neko_kirin3104) wrote2013-12-22 08:24 pm
neko_kirin3104) wrote2013-12-22 08:24 pm
Entry tags:
[Arashi] Livid (1/2)
Title: Livid
Group/Pairing: Arashi/Yama Pair (Ohno/Sho)
Prompt: 39 Burn
Word Count: 7560
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU/Fairy Tale Retelling/Angst/Supernatural
Summary: Sho's best realities are built around his life with Satoshi Ohno. It's all the truth he cares to know.
Note I: Inspired by a prompt from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
100_situations, laoracci’s fairy tale retelling requests, and playing these|songs on loop. Part of the Arashi Ever After Collection.
Note II: for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
laoracci (This fic surprised me with the unexpected turns it took. I hope it’s still okay? orz <333)
Warnings: character death, mentions of domestic violence and child abuse
She lighted another match, and then she found herself sitting under a beautiful Christmas-tree... Thousands of tapers were burning upon the green branches, and colored pictures, like those she had seen in the show-windows, looked down upon it all. The little one stretched out her hand towards them, and the match went out.
The first time Satoshi slapped him was not a particularly special day. If not for the stinging pain on his cheek and the vivid black and blue mark that turned up later on, Sho would never have remembered any of it.
But there it was now, a memory slowly unraveling in a tiny little corner of his mind, as he envisions the first snowflakes falling outside the restrictive confines of his safe place—the darkness he would often tuck himself into when the air starts to get cold, and the neighbors’ smiles become warmer.
It was a habit formed by years of living in constant fear, compounded by a repetitive cycle of trusting, and hating, and trusting again at the slightest show of affection.
“The day I stop caring about your mistakes, is the day I fall out of love with you,” Satoshi would often say, wrapping him up in a warm embrace, like the man had not been punching him around for something he supposedly did wrong.
But it had never really been a matter of what he did and did not do. Because as soon as Satoshi held him close as though he was the most precious person in the world, rubbed a warm palm on his cheek and told him, “It was your fault, Sho-chan. You never listen to me...,” Sho believed him. He took the man’s words to heart and made them his truth, even as every livid spot on his skin throbbed in painful protest.
It was always the first pain that triggered the rest of his memories of the man.
It never did end with the last...
“I’m sorry, Satoshi-kun...” Sho whispered into the darkness as he hugged his knees to his chest and rocked his body back and forth, his tears still falling, like they always did, for the man who owned his heart. “I’m sorry... I’m sorry...”
December 25, 1992
0013
It’s Christmas and there’s nothing to celebrate.
My mom left without even making dinner.
It’s been five hours, and I still can’t understand...
I know I should’ve been ready for this, but...
It’s just that...
I never really expected her to leave without me...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Whenever a star falls from the sky, a soul goes up to God in exchange for it.
The day his grandmother died was the first time Sho proved this true.
It was a bittersweet sight, a sad and beautiful proof of the wisdom in the old woman’s words.
But even the wisest of them can sometimes still make the worst of choices.
“Satoshi-kun?”
He almost did not recognize the adult version of the childhood friend he had not seen for years. But it was the same round face that he remembered; the same fleshy cheeks, secretly naughty eyes, distinctly shaped nose and lips that always hid a ready smile on each seemingly stoic corner.
Satoshi Ohno, though ten years older, was the same boy who made his heart race the first time, held him, touched him, kissed him, and eventually took him to places that made his ugly reality fade away against the shuddering bouts of bliss he never knew existed.
“Sho-chan,” Satoshi smiled, reaching out a hand to link their fingers together, as though nothing had ever really changed between them. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” The words barely made it through Sho’s lips. His fingers remained uncurled, unrelenting, his eyes still unable to meet the man’s steady gaze. Because this was all so unfair! Satoshi had left him alone ten years ago, cutting out all ties and letting him deal with the aftermath of their undefined relations all on his own. Sho could accept his condolences, but they didn’t really need to hold hands for it, did they?
“No. I’m sorry.” Satoshi gripped his hand when he tried to pull away. “I’m sorry, Sho-chan. For leaving you behind.”
Sho closed his eyes to the tears that weren’t falling for his grandmother anymore. “It’s okay.” He flinched when he felt Satoshi’s palm press lightly against his cheek, then tried to move his face away when the man’s thumb touched his skin. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”
Satoshi did not let go of him and pulled him instead into a tight hug that only triggered more tears, and sniffles, and long pent-up hurt to arise from the stifled depths of his soul.
“Don’t worry, Sho-chan,” Satoshi whispered, his warm breath a reassuring draft against Sho’s ear. “I’ll take care of you from now on.”
For a very long time, he believed it had been his ‘Baa-chan’s will to bring Satoshi back into his life, right at the moment when he had been watching the old woman’s star streak through the black canvass of the evening sky for the first and last time.
December 24, 1993
2223
It’s almost Christmas again, and nothing has changed.
Mom’s still not here, there’s no dinner on the table.
My dad’s been drinking again, and I’m hurting all over.
(Is this the time to be writing poetry?!)
But that’s funny, isn’t it?
When it comes at you unexpectedly.
Who knew I had a knack for poetry?
(Avoiding the topic again, I see)
But who needs heavy stuffs anyway, right?
It’s Christmas, for godsake!
It’s Christmas, and I should be merry
But my dad’s drunk again, and his bottle is empty.
I should be wise enough to hide away and flee
But what would that make of me?
(Enough! Enough!)
But seriously,, where would I go?
My dad is all I have left now.
He’s the worst, but...
He’s my dad.
Meh.
This has turned into such a senseless entry.
Sho Sakurai has turned into such a senseless boy.
If only mom can see me now...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Satoshi took Sho with him to the city, helped him find a decent job and blinded him with all the love he could selflessly give, until there was hardly any left to sustain the dream-like reality Sho thought would, at least, last him a lifetime.
“Satoshi-kun, I got promoted!”
If he hadn’t been too lost in his own excitement that night, if he had only taken a moment to look at his partner’s face before he barreled into the man and practically hugged the breath out of him, Sho would never have missed the way Satoshi’s eyes had narrowed and momentarily flashed with a glint of malice that matched the sour creases between his brows.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you, Sho-chan,” Satoshi said calmly, pushing him a little to look into his eyes. “You don’t have to work so hard anymore. Let me provide for the both of us, all right?”
“What?” Sho’s overflowing delight whittled into a nervous chuckle. “But I just got promoted...”
Satoshi teased his cheek with the tips of his graceful fingers. “I’m tired of coming home to an empty house...”
“B-But, Satoshi-kun. I can’t—”
“Didn’t you come here to be with me?” Satoshi cupped Sho’s face with both hands and gave him a pleading gaze that made his nerves shiver. “Then be here with me, Sho-chan. I need you here with me.”
The moment Satoshi pressed their lips together and moaned his pleas into his mouth, Sho knew he had lost this fight.
“I’m not your wife, Satoshi...” he huffed his last attempt at defiance even as Satoshi peeled off his suit and he readily shook his arms to make things easier. Faster.
“Does it even matter now?” Satoshi pulled him by his tie and caught his startled gasp in a kiss that’s all tongue and teeth and lips that suckled and nibbled every bit of his stubborn resolve away.
He tendered his resignation the following day.
December 25 1996
2355
Mom’s closet has been empty for years.
And it makes me wonder why I haven’t thought about doing this sooner,
even after spending days just staring at it, willing it to magically fill up with her clothes again...
I don’t really miss her all that much anymore.
Maybe that’s why I’m seeing the closet for what it really is for the first time.
Empty.
And who knew I could fit right in it?
Curl up and hide when my reality becomes too hard to bear.
Dad often gets too drunk to even come look for me.
And I’d like, at least a couple of nights a week when I don’t have to deal with his fist.
I like being here, the darkness is comforting.
I like what little light my lighter can give when I’m writing shit like this.
Why am I even writing this anyway?
This is comforting, too.
Ironic that it’s a habit I got from my mom.
I wonder what she’s been writing on hers.
Is she even writing about me?
Does she even still think of me?
I guess... I still do miss her.
Maybe a little bit.
Just a little...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Resigning from his job was just the beginning.
Soon, Sho was giving up everything else that took him too far away, for far too long, from this house, as Satoshi begged, dictated him to do so with lavish amounts of affections.
With each hungry, white-hot kiss that torched more than half of his willfulness away, Sho said no to his friends’ invitations to drink out.
With each fluttering brush of tongue and fingers against his famished skin that short-circuited more than half of his rational mind, Sho convinced himself he didn’t need that cooking class he wanted to enroll in anyway.
With each glide and roll of a perfectly angled thrust that sent his entire body reeling into worlds devoid of sensible reasons, Sho stifled all of his independent goals with ones that serve only his partner’s happiness and peace of mind.
It’s not that he didn’t try to protest, though. He did. And he knew he was asking for it when Satoshi finally lost his cool and dashed a palm across his face.
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT!” the man snarled, making Sho cringe on the floor from more than just the pain on his cheek.
Because he was seeing, for the first time, how Satoshi’s mask had slipped off and revealed a face, all wrinkled up and red with anger, that he would never have otherwise associated with the usually calm man.
But just when he was about to think the worst of his partner, Satoshi gasped and fell to his knees beside him, the anger now completely replaced with a look of utter shock. “Oh god! I’m so sorry!” He grabbed Sho’s face in his trembling hands, “Sho-chan, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to... I’m so sorry!”
And as much as Sho was tempted to brush the man off and leave for the sake of his dwindling self-respect, one look into the man’s tearful, pleading eyes reminded him of all the beautiful reasons he had for loving Satoshi.
He bit his lips and kept himself from saying something he might eventually regret. He let his tears fall in silent rage even as Satoshi pressed his face hard against his chest, and he was suddenly feeling every flitting beat of the man’s imploring heart against his cheek like a pleasant-sounding mockery to his dying freewill.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Satoshi’s voice sounded small and choked up in tears. “Is it not enough that you’re with me?” Satoshi’s arms tightened around him and made him tremble in their restrictive warmth. “Sho-chan, I love you. I love you so much. And I am so afraid of losing you. Why can’t you understand that?”
Sho closed his eyes and allowed himself to settle into the familiar embrace, made an effort to feel it, and cherish it.
Because no matter what, it was still Satoshi. And the man just lost his temper tonight, like everybody did eventually. He could not discredit everything else that the man had done for him because of this one bad moment.
And Satoshi was right, after all. Sho had been stubborn, and selfish, and greedy for wanting more than what his partner was already giving him.
He was starting to become like his father.
And this was exactly what drove his mom away...
December 25 1997
2154
I laughed so much at school today.
You see, there is this girl in my class who tells the smartest of jokes.
Like, have you heard of this guy who’s got his whole left side cut off?
He's all right now.
(Ha-ha!)
Smart, right?
I thought that was really funny.
And I laughed, because I wanted to be her friend.
She didn’t even look at me.
I have that effect on girls, I guess.
I just naturally repel them.
Or if they do come close enough to chat, they quickly lose interest.
I think I’m fated to be alone for life. ToT
But...
I really like to laugh, though.
It makes everything easier to bear.
But not even laughing all day can hide the ugly spots on my skin.
And I’m running out of excuses to give when people start asking.
Not that it matters.
I think they all know anyway...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Satoshi always did say the right things, and Sho believed him unconditionally, muffling up any bit of protest his stubborn heart would often try to spawn to wake him out of the nightmare he could never see.
Sho always botched the dinner intentionally.
Sho flirted with the neighbor by simply smiling and inviting the clueless bastard to talk.
Sho got deliberately sick to guilt Satoshi into staying home and missing out on an office fishing trip the man had been looking forward to all year.
Sho had no one to blame but himself for every black and blue spot that stained his skin, for every time Satoshi lost his temper, for all the broken promises of ‘never again’ that never came to be.
He didn’t want this kind of life, but he loved Satoshi enough to convince himself he did.
Especially when Satoshi constantly came up with new ways to remind him over and over again why he chose to come here in the first place, and why he chose to stay.
“Good morning, Sho-chan...”
It was a pain just trying to open his eyes when he had spent the previous night crying himself to sleep. But Satoshi was already kissing his cheek lightly, right where the man had slapped him last night, and was breathing into his ear playfully like he often did on better mornings.
“Wake up, love...”
Sho opened his eyes more out of fear than anything else.
“Hey...” Satoshi pulled on him gently, and he willingly turned in bed to look at the man. “I got you breakfast. Cereal with berry sauce. You like that right?”
Sho’s lips involuntarily twitched into a small smile. The enthusiasm in his partner’s eyes was starting to get to him.
“And there’s a fruit yoghurt waiting for you in the fridge, too.” Satoshi helped him up to sit and carefully placed the breakfast tray in front of him.
Sho was feeling both anxious and touched by the gesture, and couldn’t quite decide which emotion to lean on yet. “Satoshi-kun...”
“And that Yokohama date you’ve been telling me you wanted to do?” Satoshi brushed a stray strand of hair from his forehead. “Let’s do it this weekend, all right? Let’s go there.”
“I can’t... go out like this.”
“It’ll be fine.” Satoshi’s thumb rubbing lovingly against the bruise on his face brought tears to Sho’s eyes. “This will be gone by then.”
He sniffed and gave his partner a genuine smile. “Thank you.”
“I love you, Sho-chan...” Satoshi brushed the lightest kiss on his livid cheek and sent the tears falling again, for a completely different reason than the previous night.
“Please don’t leave me,” he replied, his voice small and choked up in tears.
The same cycle repeated itself over and over for five long years.
When Satoshi lost his temper on any random night, he became much sweeter on the following days.
There’s always a breakfast in bed waiting for Sho in the morning, there’s a trip they always took on weekends when Satoshi was free, there are the thoughtful gifts he got that he never asked for, and the fiery, soul-snatching kisses that he never wished to end.
The man broke him apart in an instant, and put him back together again just as quickly. Cracked, but nonetheless whole.
Everyday his partner held him close and whispered sweet pleas and heartfelt promises into his ears.
And every night Sho watched a star fall for every part of him that died for Satoshi...
December 18, 1998
1756
I met a boy today.
The strangest boy I have ever seen.
He’s also the prettiest.
Big face, round cheeks, eyes that are quietly naughty,
A distinctly shaped nose that crinkled in adorable confusion when I told him I was a boy.
(How can anyone mistake me for anything else, seriously?!)
And a pair of lips that always had a ready smile tucked on each seemingly stoic corner.
He’s here for two weeks to stay with his aunts.
I don’t like him.
He calls me Sho-chan like he knows me
And tells me to call him Satoshi, like we’re friends.
Are we close?! Are we close?!
But we have certainly become friends by the end of the day, I guess.
He’s unapologetically rude,
And unexpectedly funny because of it.
He picks his nose like nobody’s business.
Like he’s ten instead of seventeen.
He’s got a silly smile
And always looks at me like he expects me to smile back.
I hate him.
But he talks to me like he really wants to know me.
And he doesn’t ask unnecessary questions.
The flitting looks of worry in his eyes did not escape me, though.
Or maybe that’s just me imagining things.
I mean, why would he care for me?
He’s just here for two weeks, anyway.
He’ll be gone before I know it.
And he won’t even remember me.
And, no.
That does not bother me at all.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
It became harder and harder to hide the bruises as the months piled up, and his lies began to get more ridiculous at each turn.
“I fell off the bed.”
“I bumped into the door frame. You know how clumsy I can get.”
“I was sleepy and hit my face on the door.”
“I dreamed I was slapping myself. Stupid, right?”
It came to a point where he would hardly even open his front door, just so his stoic neighbor Jun could stop raising a skeptical brow at him. Just so he wouldn’t have to see the perceptive Nino from across the street roll his eyes at him in disdain or be forced to reply when Masaki, the sickeningly nice man who came around to visit Nino once in a while, gave him one of his patronizing smiles.
As long as he had Satoshi beside him, he didn’t really need the rest of the world.
Because not even the rest of the world could do anything to save him from himself now.
“Are you all right, Sho-chan?” his partner asked one night, frowning up at him from his crotch.
He closed his eyes tight as he felt the hand around his feeble cock loosen, then slip away. He almost jumped out of bed in fright when he felt Satoshi cuddle up beside him and wrap one heavy arm around his waist. “You seem distracted...”
“I...” he almost choked at the way his heart started beating erratically and scared. “I...”
“It’s okay,” Satoshi’s mild whisper did very little to calm him down. He still flinched as the man’s hold on him tightened. “Let’s just cuddle for tonight, ne?” He finally opened his eyes when Satoshi pulled him close and he felt obliged to lay his head on the man’s chest.
“I’m sorry,” He bit his lip against the guilty tears.”You can still... you know... If you want...”
He felt Satoshi’s fingers brushing lazily through his hair, and his heart thrilled involuntarily at the man’s warm lips pressing against the top of his head. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, Sho-chan.”
But try as he might to settle comfortably into his lover’s arms, he couldn’t help fearing something else was about to come.
Because something always did, one way or another.
A peaceful night with Satoshi was a luxury he had tired of anticipating a long time ago.
“You took them again, huh?” Satoshi’s calm voice broke through the suffocating silence soon enough. “Those fancy little things Masaki’s been giving you?”
Sho tried to keep still, holding his breath and barely stifling a panicked whimper.
He had almost forgotten about those supplements Masaki had been handing out to him out of concern for his wraith-like complexion and visibly declining health. And he had been shoving them all down his throat thoughtlessly because Masaki could really be convincing when he smiled and looked at Sho like he really cared.
“You’ve been taking them.” It was a statement of truth already realized and utterly despised. Sho gasped when Satoshi’s fingers pulled on his hair violently, turning his head up to snarl at his face. “You never did listen to me, Sho-chan...”
“They’re harmless, Satoshi-kun,” he tried to reason, his voice small and trembling. “Just supplements. Masaki’s just concerned.”
Satoshi’s grip on his hair relaxed and the man’s eyes were suddenly sheening with tears.
And for some reason, this worried Sho more than the usual roughness. He, at least, knew how to respond to the physical blows, but this was something entirely different. Entirely new.
He was stumped and a little disoriented by it. “Satoshi-kun?” He reached up a hand to wipe the uncharacteristic tears from the man’s face.
Satoshi caught his hand and kissed his palm lightly before laying a longer, heavier kiss on his forehead. “I love you, Sho-chan,” he said, his breath a reassuring draft against Sho’s skin.
Please don’t leave me, Sho closed his eyes with this desperate plea hanging from his lips.
He woke up the following morning alone on his bed, in a place that’s completely different from his memories of the previous night...
December 24, 1998
1915
Proofs that Satoshi-kun is stupid—
* He picks his nose.
* He can’t read kanji to save his life.
* He seems to think we’re friends.
* He mistook me for a girl the first time we met.
* He does not ask about the bruises, and just hums when I tell him I hit my face on the door.
* He held my hand today and told me he liked me.
(Really?! Really, Satoshi-kun?!)
* He seems to still think I’m a girl.
* He says I’ve get a better looking butt than most girls he knows.
* He says he’s going to kiss me before he goes home.
* He says he’s going to make me want it.
(We’ll see, Satoshi-kun. We’ll see...)
Proofs that Satoshi-kun is smart—
* He never asks about my dad.
* He never insists on walking me home
(though, I know he tails me anyway—he’s sleazy like that)
* He’s going home in a few days.
* He’s going to forget about me.
Because Sho Sakurai never leaves a lasting impression on anyone...
You can try asking my mom.
I doubt she even remembers me.
Group/Pairing: Arashi/Yama Pair (Ohno/Sho)
Prompt: 39 Burn
Word Count: 7560
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU/Fairy Tale Retelling/Angst/Supernatural
Summary: Sho's best realities are built around his life with Satoshi Ohno. It's all the truth he cares to know.
Note I: Inspired by a prompt from
100_situations, laoracci’s fairy tale retelling requests, and playing these|songs on loop. Part of the Arashi Ever After Collection.Note II: for
laoracci (This fic surprised me with the unexpected turns it took. I hope it’s still okay? orz <333)Warnings: character death, mentions of domestic violence and child abuse
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
She lighted another match, and then she found herself sitting under a beautiful Christmas-tree... Thousands of tapers were burning upon the green branches, and colored pictures, like those she had seen in the show-windows, looked down upon it all. The little one stretched out her hand towards them, and the match went out.
—The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
The first time Satoshi slapped him was not a particularly special day. If not for the stinging pain on his cheek and the vivid black and blue mark that turned up later on, Sho would never have remembered any of it.
But there it was now, a memory slowly unraveling in a tiny little corner of his mind, as he envisions the first snowflakes falling outside the restrictive confines of his safe place—the darkness he would often tuck himself into when the air starts to get cold, and the neighbors’ smiles become warmer.
It was a habit formed by years of living in constant fear, compounded by a repetitive cycle of trusting, and hating, and trusting again at the slightest show of affection.
“The day I stop caring about your mistakes, is the day I fall out of love with you,” Satoshi would often say, wrapping him up in a warm embrace, like the man had not been punching him around for something he supposedly did wrong.
But it had never really been a matter of what he did and did not do. Because as soon as Satoshi held him close as though he was the most precious person in the world, rubbed a warm palm on his cheek and told him, “It was your fault, Sho-chan. You never listen to me...,” Sho believed him. He took the man’s words to heart and made them his truth, even as every livid spot on his skin throbbed in painful protest.
It was always the first pain that triggered the rest of his memories of the man.
It never did end with the last...
“I’m sorry, Satoshi-kun...” Sho whispered into the darkness as he hugged his knees to his chest and rocked his body back and forth, his tears still falling, like they always did, for the man who owned his heart. “I’m sorry... I’m sorry...”
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 25, 1992
0013
It’s Christmas and there’s nothing to celebrate.
My mom left without even making dinner.
It’s been five hours, and I still can’t understand...
I know I should’ve been ready for this, but...
It’s just that...
I never really expected her to leave without me...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Whenever a star falls from the sky, a soul goes up to God in exchange for it.
The day his grandmother died was the first time Sho proved this true.
It was a bittersweet sight, a sad and beautiful proof of the wisdom in the old woman’s words.
But even the wisest of them can sometimes still make the worst of choices.
“Satoshi-kun?”
He almost did not recognize the adult version of the childhood friend he had not seen for years. But it was the same round face that he remembered; the same fleshy cheeks, secretly naughty eyes, distinctly shaped nose and lips that always hid a ready smile on each seemingly stoic corner.
Satoshi Ohno, though ten years older, was the same boy who made his heart race the first time, held him, touched him, kissed him, and eventually took him to places that made his ugly reality fade away against the shuddering bouts of bliss he never knew existed.
“Sho-chan,” Satoshi smiled, reaching out a hand to link their fingers together, as though nothing had ever really changed between them. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” The words barely made it through Sho’s lips. His fingers remained uncurled, unrelenting, his eyes still unable to meet the man’s steady gaze. Because this was all so unfair! Satoshi had left him alone ten years ago, cutting out all ties and letting him deal with the aftermath of their undefined relations all on his own. Sho could accept his condolences, but they didn’t really need to hold hands for it, did they?
“No. I’m sorry.” Satoshi gripped his hand when he tried to pull away. “I’m sorry, Sho-chan. For leaving you behind.”
Sho closed his eyes to the tears that weren’t falling for his grandmother anymore. “It’s okay.” He flinched when he felt Satoshi’s palm press lightly against his cheek, then tried to move his face away when the man’s thumb touched his skin. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”
Satoshi did not let go of him and pulled him instead into a tight hug that only triggered more tears, and sniffles, and long pent-up hurt to arise from the stifled depths of his soul.
“Don’t worry, Sho-chan,” Satoshi whispered, his warm breath a reassuring draft against Sho’s ear. “I’ll take care of you from now on.”
For a very long time, he believed it had been his ‘Baa-chan’s will to bring Satoshi back into his life, right at the moment when he had been watching the old woman’s star streak through the black canvass of the evening sky for the first and last time.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 24, 1993
2223
It’s almost Christmas again, and nothing has changed.
Mom’s still not here, there’s no dinner on the table.
My dad’s been drinking again, and I’m hurting all over.
(Is this the time to be writing poetry?!)
But that’s funny, isn’t it?
When it comes at you unexpectedly.
Who knew I had a knack for poetry?
(Avoiding the topic again, I see)
But who needs heavy stuffs anyway, right?
It’s Christmas, for godsake!
It’s Christmas, and I should be merry
But my dad’s drunk again, and his bottle is empty.
I should be wise enough to hide away and flee
But what would that make of me?
(Enough! Enough!)
But seriously,, where would I go?
My dad is all I have left now.
He’s the worst, but...
He’s my dad.
Meh.
This has turned into such a senseless entry.
Sho Sakurai has turned into such a senseless boy.
If only mom can see me now...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Satoshi took Sho with him to the city, helped him find a decent job and blinded him with all the love he could selflessly give, until there was hardly any left to sustain the dream-like reality Sho thought would, at least, last him a lifetime.
“Satoshi-kun, I got promoted!”
If he hadn’t been too lost in his own excitement that night, if he had only taken a moment to look at his partner’s face before he barreled into the man and practically hugged the breath out of him, Sho would never have missed the way Satoshi’s eyes had narrowed and momentarily flashed with a glint of malice that matched the sour creases between his brows.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you, Sho-chan,” Satoshi said calmly, pushing him a little to look into his eyes. “You don’t have to work so hard anymore. Let me provide for the both of us, all right?”
“What?” Sho’s overflowing delight whittled into a nervous chuckle. “But I just got promoted...”
Satoshi teased his cheek with the tips of his graceful fingers. “I’m tired of coming home to an empty house...”
“B-But, Satoshi-kun. I can’t—”
“Didn’t you come here to be with me?” Satoshi cupped Sho’s face with both hands and gave him a pleading gaze that made his nerves shiver. “Then be here with me, Sho-chan. I need you here with me.”
The moment Satoshi pressed their lips together and moaned his pleas into his mouth, Sho knew he had lost this fight.
“I’m not your wife, Satoshi...” he huffed his last attempt at defiance even as Satoshi peeled off his suit and he readily shook his arms to make things easier. Faster.
“Does it even matter now?” Satoshi pulled him by his tie and caught his startled gasp in a kiss that’s all tongue and teeth and lips that suckled and nibbled every bit of his stubborn resolve away.
He tendered his resignation the following day.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 25 1996
2355
Mom’s closet has been empty for years.
And it makes me wonder why I haven’t thought about doing this sooner,
even after spending days just staring at it, willing it to magically fill up with her clothes again...
I don’t really miss her all that much anymore.
Maybe that’s why I’m seeing the closet for what it really is for the first time.
Empty.
And who knew I could fit right in it?
Curl up and hide when my reality becomes too hard to bear.
Dad often gets too drunk to even come look for me.
And I’d like, at least a couple of nights a week when I don’t have to deal with his fist.
I like being here, the darkness is comforting.
I like what little light my lighter can give when I’m writing shit like this.
Why am I even writing this anyway?
This is comforting, too.
Ironic that it’s a habit I got from my mom.
I wonder what she’s been writing on hers.
Is she even writing about me?
Does she even still think of me?
I guess... I still do miss her.
Maybe a little bit.
Just a little...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Resigning from his job was just the beginning.
Soon, Sho was giving up everything else that took him too far away, for far too long, from this house, as Satoshi begged, dictated him to do so with lavish amounts of affections.
With each hungry, white-hot kiss that torched more than half of his willfulness away, Sho said no to his friends’ invitations to drink out.
With each fluttering brush of tongue and fingers against his famished skin that short-circuited more than half of his rational mind, Sho convinced himself he didn’t need that cooking class he wanted to enroll in anyway.
With each glide and roll of a perfectly angled thrust that sent his entire body reeling into worlds devoid of sensible reasons, Sho stifled all of his independent goals with ones that serve only his partner’s happiness and peace of mind.
It’s not that he didn’t try to protest, though. He did. And he knew he was asking for it when Satoshi finally lost his cool and dashed a palm across his face.
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT!” the man snarled, making Sho cringe on the floor from more than just the pain on his cheek.
Because he was seeing, for the first time, how Satoshi’s mask had slipped off and revealed a face, all wrinkled up and red with anger, that he would never have otherwise associated with the usually calm man.
But just when he was about to think the worst of his partner, Satoshi gasped and fell to his knees beside him, the anger now completely replaced with a look of utter shock. “Oh god! I’m so sorry!” He grabbed Sho’s face in his trembling hands, “Sho-chan, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to... I’m so sorry!”
And as much as Sho was tempted to brush the man off and leave for the sake of his dwindling self-respect, one look into the man’s tearful, pleading eyes reminded him of all the beautiful reasons he had for loving Satoshi.
He bit his lips and kept himself from saying something he might eventually regret. He let his tears fall in silent rage even as Satoshi pressed his face hard against his chest, and he was suddenly feeling every flitting beat of the man’s imploring heart against his cheek like a pleasant-sounding mockery to his dying freewill.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Satoshi’s voice sounded small and choked up in tears. “Is it not enough that you’re with me?” Satoshi’s arms tightened around him and made him tremble in their restrictive warmth. “Sho-chan, I love you. I love you so much. And I am so afraid of losing you. Why can’t you understand that?”
Sho closed his eyes and allowed himself to settle into the familiar embrace, made an effort to feel it, and cherish it.
Because no matter what, it was still Satoshi. And the man just lost his temper tonight, like everybody did eventually. He could not discredit everything else that the man had done for him because of this one bad moment.
And Satoshi was right, after all. Sho had been stubborn, and selfish, and greedy for wanting more than what his partner was already giving him.
He was starting to become like his father.
And this was exactly what drove his mom away...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 25 1997
2154
I laughed so much at school today.
You see, there is this girl in my class who tells the smartest of jokes.
Like, have you heard of this guy who’s got his whole left side cut off?
He's all right now.
(Ha-ha!)
Smart, right?
I thought that was really funny.
And I laughed, because I wanted to be her friend.
She didn’t even look at me.
I have that effect on girls, I guess.
I just naturally repel them.
Or if they do come close enough to chat, they quickly lose interest.
I think I’m fated to be alone for life. ToT
But...
I really like to laugh, though.
It makes everything easier to bear.
But not even laughing all day can hide the ugly spots on my skin.
And I’m running out of excuses to give when people start asking.
Not that it matters.
I think they all know anyway...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Satoshi always did say the right things, and Sho believed him unconditionally, muffling up any bit of protest his stubborn heart would often try to spawn to wake him out of the nightmare he could never see.
Sho always botched the dinner intentionally.
Sho flirted with the neighbor by simply smiling and inviting the clueless bastard to talk.
Sho got deliberately sick to guilt Satoshi into staying home and missing out on an office fishing trip the man had been looking forward to all year.
Sho had no one to blame but himself for every black and blue spot that stained his skin, for every time Satoshi lost his temper, for all the broken promises of ‘never again’ that never came to be.
He didn’t want this kind of life, but he loved Satoshi enough to convince himself he did.
Especially when Satoshi constantly came up with new ways to remind him over and over again why he chose to come here in the first place, and why he chose to stay.
“Good morning, Sho-chan...”
It was a pain just trying to open his eyes when he had spent the previous night crying himself to sleep. But Satoshi was already kissing his cheek lightly, right where the man had slapped him last night, and was breathing into his ear playfully like he often did on better mornings.
“Wake up, love...”
Sho opened his eyes more out of fear than anything else.
“Hey...” Satoshi pulled on him gently, and he willingly turned in bed to look at the man. “I got you breakfast. Cereal with berry sauce. You like that right?”
Sho’s lips involuntarily twitched into a small smile. The enthusiasm in his partner’s eyes was starting to get to him.
“And there’s a fruit yoghurt waiting for you in the fridge, too.” Satoshi helped him up to sit and carefully placed the breakfast tray in front of him.
Sho was feeling both anxious and touched by the gesture, and couldn’t quite decide which emotion to lean on yet. “Satoshi-kun...”
“And that Yokohama date you’ve been telling me you wanted to do?” Satoshi brushed a stray strand of hair from his forehead. “Let’s do it this weekend, all right? Let’s go there.”
“I can’t... go out like this.”
“It’ll be fine.” Satoshi’s thumb rubbing lovingly against the bruise on his face brought tears to Sho’s eyes. “This will be gone by then.”
He sniffed and gave his partner a genuine smile. “Thank you.”
“I love you, Sho-chan...” Satoshi brushed the lightest kiss on his livid cheek and sent the tears falling again, for a completely different reason than the previous night.
“Please don’t leave me,” he replied, his voice small and choked up in tears.
The same cycle repeated itself over and over for five long years.
When Satoshi lost his temper on any random night, he became much sweeter on the following days.
There’s always a breakfast in bed waiting for Sho in the morning, there’s a trip they always took on weekends when Satoshi was free, there are the thoughtful gifts he got that he never asked for, and the fiery, soul-snatching kisses that he never wished to end.
The man broke him apart in an instant, and put him back together again just as quickly. Cracked, but nonetheless whole.
Everyday his partner held him close and whispered sweet pleas and heartfelt promises into his ears.
And every night Sho watched a star fall for every part of him that died for Satoshi...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 18, 1998
1756
I met a boy today.
The strangest boy I have ever seen.
He’s also the prettiest.
Big face, round cheeks, eyes that are quietly naughty,
A distinctly shaped nose that crinkled in adorable confusion when I told him I was a boy.
(How can anyone mistake me for anything else, seriously?!)
And a pair of lips that always had a ready smile tucked on each seemingly stoic corner.
He’s here for two weeks to stay with his aunts.
I don’t like him.
He calls me Sho-chan like he knows me
And tells me to call him Satoshi, like we’re friends.
Are we close?! Are we close?!
But we have certainly become friends by the end of the day, I guess.
He’s unapologetically rude,
And unexpectedly funny because of it.
He picks his nose like nobody’s business.
Like he’s ten instead of seventeen.
He’s got a silly smile
And always looks at me like he expects me to smile back.
I hate him.
But he talks to me like he really wants to know me.
And he doesn’t ask unnecessary questions.
The flitting looks of worry in his eyes did not escape me, though.
Or maybe that’s just me imagining things.
I mean, why would he care for me?
He’s just here for two weeks, anyway.
He’ll be gone before I know it.
And he won’t even remember me.
And, no.
That does not bother me at all.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
It became harder and harder to hide the bruises as the months piled up, and his lies began to get more ridiculous at each turn.
“I fell off the bed.”
“I bumped into the door frame. You know how clumsy I can get.”
“I was sleepy and hit my face on the door.”
“I dreamed I was slapping myself. Stupid, right?”
It came to a point where he would hardly even open his front door, just so his stoic neighbor Jun could stop raising a skeptical brow at him. Just so he wouldn’t have to see the perceptive Nino from across the street roll his eyes at him in disdain or be forced to reply when Masaki, the sickeningly nice man who came around to visit Nino once in a while, gave him one of his patronizing smiles.
As long as he had Satoshi beside him, he didn’t really need the rest of the world.
Because not even the rest of the world could do anything to save him from himself now.
“Are you all right, Sho-chan?” his partner asked one night, frowning up at him from his crotch.
He closed his eyes tight as he felt the hand around his feeble cock loosen, then slip away. He almost jumped out of bed in fright when he felt Satoshi cuddle up beside him and wrap one heavy arm around his waist. “You seem distracted...”
“I...” he almost choked at the way his heart started beating erratically and scared. “I...”
“It’s okay,” Satoshi’s mild whisper did very little to calm him down. He still flinched as the man’s hold on him tightened. “Let’s just cuddle for tonight, ne?” He finally opened his eyes when Satoshi pulled him close and he felt obliged to lay his head on the man’s chest.
“I’m sorry,” He bit his lip against the guilty tears.”You can still... you know... If you want...”
He felt Satoshi’s fingers brushing lazily through his hair, and his heart thrilled involuntarily at the man’s warm lips pressing against the top of his head. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, Sho-chan.”
But try as he might to settle comfortably into his lover’s arms, he couldn’t help fearing something else was about to come.
Because something always did, one way or another.
A peaceful night with Satoshi was a luxury he had tired of anticipating a long time ago.
“You took them again, huh?” Satoshi’s calm voice broke through the suffocating silence soon enough. “Those fancy little things Masaki’s been giving you?”
Sho tried to keep still, holding his breath and barely stifling a panicked whimper.
He had almost forgotten about those supplements Masaki had been handing out to him out of concern for his wraith-like complexion and visibly declining health. And he had been shoving them all down his throat thoughtlessly because Masaki could really be convincing when he smiled and looked at Sho like he really cared.
“You’ve been taking them.” It was a statement of truth already realized and utterly despised. Sho gasped when Satoshi’s fingers pulled on his hair violently, turning his head up to snarl at his face. “You never did listen to me, Sho-chan...”
“They’re harmless, Satoshi-kun,” he tried to reason, his voice small and trembling. “Just supplements. Masaki’s just concerned.”
Satoshi’s grip on his hair relaxed and the man’s eyes were suddenly sheening with tears.
And for some reason, this worried Sho more than the usual roughness. He, at least, knew how to respond to the physical blows, but this was something entirely different. Entirely new.
He was stumped and a little disoriented by it. “Satoshi-kun?” He reached up a hand to wipe the uncharacteristic tears from the man’s face.
Satoshi caught his hand and kissed his palm lightly before laying a longer, heavier kiss on his forehead. “I love you, Sho-chan,” he said, his breath a reassuring draft against Sho’s skin.
Please don’t leave me, Sho closed his eyes with this desperate plea hanging from his lips.
He woke up the following morning alone on his bed, in a place that’s completely different from his memories of the previous night...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 24, 1998
1915
Proofs that Satoshi-kun is stupid—
* He picks his nose.
* He can’t read kanji to save his life.
* He seems to think we’re friends.
* He mistook me for a girl the first time we met.
* He does not ask about the bruises, and just hums when I tell him I hit my face on the door.
* He held my hand today and told me he liked me.
(Really?! Really, Satoshi-kun?!)
* He seems to still think I’m a girl.
* He says I’ve get a better looking butt than most girls he knows.
* He says he’s going to kiss me before he goes home.
* He says he’s going to make me want it.
(We’ll see, Satoshi-kun. We’ll see...)
Proofs that Satoshi-kun is smart—
* He never asks about my dad.
* He never insists on walking me home
(though, I know he tails me anyway—he’s sleazy like that)
* He’s going home in a few days.
* He’s going to forget about me.
Because Sho Sakurai never leaves a lasting impression on anyone...
You can try asking my mom.
I doubt she even remembers me.