[Arashi] Flying Pink Elephants
Sep. 12th, 2013 11:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neko_kirin3104Title: Flying Pink Elephants
Group/Pairing: Arashi/Yama Pair (Ohno/Sho)
Sidepairing: Matsumiya (Nino/Jun)
Prompt: 35 Family
Word Count: 3245
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack
Summary: You know how Arashi gets carried away by their conversations sometimes. One moment Nino is teasing J, the next Sho-chan is giving birth to a pillow. The works.
Disclaimer: I own nobody. Purely fictional, of course. :3
Notes: Inspired by a prompt from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
je_prompts, answer #17 by Jun in this article translated by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yun_miyake, and because I am beginning to understand the appeal of a pregnant Sho ^___^ ~<3
Note II: forkk4food, more laughs (hopefully) on your special day. Stay happy, ne. ~<3
It was plainly out of honest curiosity that he had answered the question that way.
Unfortunately, honest curiosity did not really sit well with Nino’s dogged need to tease.
Jun had lost count of how many times the insufferable guy, who was being especially sharp and tactless today for some reason, had alluded to him being pregnant and surprisingly not dominant.
“I would never have pegged you as bottom, J. But now, I don’t know...”
“Shut up, Nino.”
“Just imagining you pregnant and throwing your wicked tantrums around here sends shivers down my pants...”
“Shut up, Nino.”
“Wait, that did not sound right just now—“
“NINO! I SAID SHUT UP, YOU FUC—!”
“Ah, ah! Calm down, you two!” Aiba stood in the middle of the room with arms outstretched like a boxing referee’s.
Lucky for Nino, too, since Jun was just about to bolt from the couch and slap either one of his lethally accessorized hands on the snickering rascal’s head.
He did not usually mind being teased, and was even often quick enough to laugh and tease back. Teasing was good, especially when they were in their greenroom where they could just put their guards down and talk about everything without restrictions.
Teasing was fun, sometimes even liberating. It’s what had gotten them closer to each other, after all, helped them break many an awkward walls through their years together and taught them which buttons they could and could not push at any given time.
But a teasing Nino, whose red eyes clearly said he had not been sleeping for at least a couple of days, had also never failed to test their patience, always preying on their nerves relentlessly until they were seeing a shade of red so bright it almost looked alien.
And Jun had never really been good at dealing with anything that did not fit his very broad sense of what was normal.
A sleep-deprived Nino was usually just normal.
A sleep-deprived Nino cracking all possible pregnancy jokes he had probably spent the night before learning on the internet, was just not.
And if Jun hadn’t known any better, he would even say the guy had been hinting on wanting to get into his pants all day, which was just absurd because they were both supposedly straight—
—which suddenly reminded him...
"If we're basing it all on being bottom, then shouldn't Sho-kun be the one getting pregnant around here?!"
He did feel guilty for throwing in a guy, who wasn’t even around to defend himself, right under Nino’s viciously trolling nose, but Jun did also talk faster than he could think when he was barely holding on to his bearings.
Aiba’s arms fell with a thump to his sides as a look of confusion slowly crept to his face. “No, that’s not right—eh, is it?”
“Well, he gets hormonal often enough,” Nino mused, only too happy to ride on the wave of Aiba’s feigned ignorance—or at least, Jun hoped it was just feigned.
He felt the couch shift and instantly turned his gaze on the man sitting at the opposite end.
“He does.” Leader, looking barely awake, had cracked open his eyes to join their conversation.
“We thought you’ve already fossilized, Old Man.” Nino smirked, finally giving up on the video game he had been messing up with, judging by the shrieking sounds and mocking fanfare that had been blaring from his DS for the past hour.
“Leader, do you even understand what we’re talking about?” Jun raised an eyebrow at the man, because Ohno-san did have a tendency to speak up without fully understanding what was going on.
Leader crossed his arms over his chest and replied pensively, “We do wonder about it sometimes.”
“Huh?!” It was almost funny how three voices could sound almost alike in mutual awe.
“If Sho-chan does get pregnant, we think about it sometimes.”
Jun was utterly perplexed. “Leader, that’s not even—“
Nino cut him off with a chuckle. “You guys are really weird.”
Aiba put a hand to his chin and looked like he had just tripped on the most significant discovery of his life. “So, Sho-chan does bottom, then. Hmmm...”
“Come to think of it," Nino just couldn’t keep his mouth shut, and even pulled over his chair to straddle it beside Jun before adding, "he does get those weird food cravings, right.”
“He went on that natto binge once, then could barely stand the sight and smell of it for weeks.” Aiba almost looked like he was using half of his brain to think. “He hates yogurt now and always hoards the ham and cheese sandwiches at the cafeteria.”
“He did tell me I smelled weird the other day,” Jun offered with a frown. He figured if they were doing this—and he did veer the conversation this way anyway—he might as well take part in it. He did know a thing or two about pregnancy. “He said he hated my new perfume. I’ve never changed it yet this year.”
“Your perfumes always smell weird, J,” Nino spat dismissively at him before turning his attention back to the topic at hand, pointedly ignoring the youngest Arashi’s withering scowl. “He always complains about feeling ‘stuffed up’ and nauseated. And is it just me, or has anybody else noticed the frequent bathroom breaks?”
“Ah, I noticed it, too!” Aiba piped up. “Also he’s really been sweating a storm these days, huh?”
Jun was barely keeping his brows from shooting all the way up to the top of his head. It started to boggle him just how much they knew about pregnancy, and how much of these symptoms they had been seeing in Sho.
“That reminds me!” Jun said in alarm when he was finally hit by something of real importance. “I need to refill my pain pills. He’s been asking for them non-stop for his backaches and stomach cramps these past weeks.”
“J! Are your meds even safe for pregnant men to take?!” Nino looked and sounded absolutely horrified.
Jun threw him a glare, suddenly feeling stupid for getting involved with this in the first place.
“He’s also been especially moody lately,” Leader pouted thoughtfully, still pretty much immersed in the ruse, though there was an unmistakable hint of genuine distress in his voice now. “He screamed at me this morning for no reason at all, and grabbed the water bottle I was using for tea because we ran out of clean mugs to use!”
“Maybe it’s time to start washing the dishes, Ohno-san,” Jun grumbled, already cringing inside at the mere thought of visiting these lazy old men’s cluttered place.
“Maa, Leader,” Aiba sympathized, slumping on the empty space in the middle of the couch and patting the older man’s shoulder. “It’s going to be really tough on you for the next few months.”
“Would you even know if it’s a boy or a girl?” Nino wondered, looking seriously concerned. “I remember my sister telling me there’s a way of knowing...”
“What would you like to have, Leader?” Aiba sounded enthusiastic. Jun could only roll his eyes as he gradually—and quite literally—deflated on the couch, silently willing the cushions to just gobble him up already.
“They say a pregnant woman gets ugly when it’s a girl,” Leader furrowed his brows in deep thought. Jun was amused the man even knew about this. “Sho-chan can’t be ugly, he’s an idol. So, probably a boy... Then again, does it work the same way with men?”
“What do you mean?” Aiba sounded lost.
“I mean, if Sho-chan’s a man and he gets pregnant with a boy, wouldn’t that make him ugly, too?”
“Aahhh...” Aiba looked even more lost, with Nino indulging him with a tell-tale sneer as they both turned to the ceiling in almost genuine wonder. Leader joined in shortly.
“I don’t think It would matter very much, Leader,” Jun felt it necessary to speak up, mainly to save the three idiots from hurting their necks. Besides, they were all rather bored anyway, and this was still—more or less—normal talk by Arashi standards. “There’s nothing a little make-up can’t fix. And we have staff to take care of that for Sho-kun.”
“Ah, you’re right, J. It doesn’t matter, then. As long as it’s healthy, right?”
“Sho-chan will have to stop drinking, though,” Nino proposed yet another problem. “He’ll have to stay home and say no to his friends’ invitations every night. He’ll be so pissed!”
Aiba slung his arm around Leader’s shoulders. “And you’ll just have to endure all of it, ne.”
Leader dutifully sighed and hung his head in dismay.
“He’ll be snoring like a steamship in his sleep.” Jun almost felt sorry he was actually starting to find this fun. “Not that he doesn’t already.”
“He’ll be farting everywhere!” Nino, on the other hand, was shameless in flaunting his enjoyment.
“He’ll have to get shaved in labor!” Aiba just had to chip in with his perverted take on things.
“Sho-chan does shave.”
Jun could almost hear their thoughts screeching to a halt as all three of them turned their undisguised, wide-eyed dread on their unbelievably candid Leader.
“Down there?” Jun almost choked at the images this revelation instantly brought to his head.
“Hn. Even when I told him it doesn’t bother me.”
Nino threw him a leer and a wink. “Will you shave for me, too, J?”
Jun instantly felt scandalized. “Why would I even do that?!”
“Ah, just imagine how loud he’ll scream in labor!” Aiba thankfully veered the gears back on track quickly enough.
And Nino just as quickly rode on it and drove forward. “I wonder if he’ll faint in labor.”
“I bet Leader will faint in labor.” Aiba snickered.
“Leader may not even be there in labor!” Jun snapped, exploiting the diversion for what it’s worth.
“I’ll be there,” Leader jutted his jaw out in a comical look of determination. “Sho-chan, will never forgive me if I weren’t.”
A brief lull settled upon them, as they silently tried to wrap their minds around what they had been talking about for the past several minutes. Jun was seriously finding it harder to deny the fact that the thought of a pregnant Sho Sakurai was actually starting to amuse him.
He was so fascinated by it that when a realization suddenly hit him, he found himself babbling, almost in a panic, before his better judgment could catch up.
“I don’t think we’re looking into this straight, you guys. I mean, the baby can’t come out of Sho-kun’s ass, can it? That’s just... gross!”
“Sho-chan will have to be sliced up then, while under anesthesia. Like in that movie, you know,” Aiba readily offered the best possible solution that had Jun nodding his head in both agreement and awe.
Any hint of reluctance he may have had in embracing the possibility of this madness had strangely vanished somewhere along the way. He didn’t even mind it anymore. If Arnold Schwarzenegger could give birth, why couldn’t their Sho-chan?
“What a downer. I would’ve really loved to hear Sho-chan’s labor screams.” Nino was positively glowering.
“That sounded really wrong, Nino,” Jun glared at the pouting man, who turned and looked into his eyes so intensely that he was suddenly remembering every single thing the little flirt had been telling him all day. He huffed and looked away, trying to ignore the lingering burn of Nino’s gaze on his cheek.
“Hiding that baby bump might be troublesome...” Leader mused loudly, rubbing a hand to his chin.
“Will Sho-chan even be able to keep his balance with a baby bump?” Jun was only too glad for the distraction.
“Sho-chan shouldn’t even be allowed to walk with a baby bump!” Aiba declared in an uncharacteristic show of authority. “I mean, just think of how clumsy he is already without it!”
“But, won’t it be interesting to see Sho-chan with a baby bump wobbling all over the place?” Nino challenged, spreading his sly grin all across the room, and eventually turning their eyes up on that random spot in the ceiling that gave them leave to lose themselves in limbo with pregnant little Sho-chan’s capering about in their heads, falling over backwards and screaming “Iya da! Iya da!” while thrashing with all his might and overblown temper on the floor.
Jun could practically feel his eyes sparkling with delight, his throat rumbling with a quiet chuckle at almost the same time as the three other guys lost in the same train of thoughts. He still could not believe he was actually enjoying this, but what the hell, right? Guilty pleasures did exist, because they were pleasurable. And Jun didn’t really mind having this as his own...
It was funny how four grown men could gasp and jolt as one at the mere sound of the door opening and closing on its own with a click.
A disgruntled Sho Sakurai, his cargo pants wet from the crotch down, appeared before them like a vision, his voice ringing twice as loud as it should in their ears, “Satoshi-kun, my water just broke.”
It was funny how four grown men could gasp in chorus a second time, rise to their feet together as though in a dance, and start yelling in mutual horror—
“SHO-CHAN, YOU’RE NOT REALLY...?!”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”
“WHAT THE FUCK, SHO-KUN?!”
“OH MY GOD, LEADER! YOU DID KNOCK SHO-CHAN UP!”
The sound of Leader flopping back down on the couch barely registered in Jun’s head as he watched Sho look back at them first in confusion, then in shock as he began to understand the subtle meaning of what he had just said.
Sho was visibly flushing as he tried to correct himself. “My water bottle broke! It’s my water bottle! Satoshi-kun I told you not to use it for hot tea! It’s old and not durable enough!”
Four grown men let out a collective sigh of relief. Nervous chuckles and smatterings of “Thank God!” filled the room as they fell back on their seats, their minds still reeling from their crashing return to reality.
Of course, what were they thinking? They had probably missed the word bottle the first time in their utter fascination with the impossible.
Sho, on the other hand, had had enough time to process things in his head and was now narrowing his eyes at them in suspicion, “What have you guys been talking about?”
Jun did not really understand what happened next, or why he let himself take part in it without protest.
Perhaps they were really just bored and wanted to fill the idle time between shoots with something more fun than mere speculations...
Perhaps Sho-kun’s flushed cheeks, pouting lips and narrowed eyes matched something they had all been imagining quite vividly in their heads just a while ago...
Perhaps, they really just had to know...
It only took a glance and a grin of mischief from Nino for all three of them—minus Leader—to bolt up to their feet and grab whatever part of the startled Sho they could swipe at.
“What the—!” Sho’s gasp synchronized with Leader’s angered grunt as one old man got toppled to the floor while the other jumped to his feet in a rescue attempt that ended with Nino’s stubby fingers fanned out in front of its face.
“Don’t tell us you’re not curious to see, Old Man!” Nino’s challenging scowl froze Leader on his hands and knees.
The poor old man, his deadpan face twitching with a poorly restrained amusement, rocked back on his heels and watched in a silent trance as Nino began to stuff a throw pillow under Sho’s shirt, molding it as best he could in the likeness of a baby bump as Sho struggled and screamed in both malice and dread—
“WHAT THE HELL! LET ME GO! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! NINO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! HELP MEEE, SATOSHI-KUUUN!!!!”
Jun could hardly keep himself from laughing as he tried not to lose hold on the writhing man’s air-muscled arms. Aiba looked just as hard-pressed in keeping Sho’s bent legs steady while Nino pushed the rest of the pillow in, taking special care in keeping it as round and real as possible to satisfy their curiosities.
“SATOSHI-KUN!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!”
This time, Jun couldn’t help chuckling. Whether he meant to or not, Sho-kun seemed to be playing into the role he had been stuck with in this impromptu play. Jun stole a glance at Leader, just in time to catch the man reach out and grasp Sho’s hand in support. Sho grabbed the hand and gripped it with all his might, making Leader scowl goofily, Aiba to cackle almost evilly, Nino to snort through the cruel string of giggles in his throat, and Jun to completely slacken his hold on Sho and fall over on his butt in a fit of wanton laughter.
“Just a little bit more, Sho-chan,” Nino tried to keep his face straight, his voice nonsensical.
“ITAI! ITAI! ITAI!!! SATOSHI-KUUUN, I HATE YOUUU!!!! AAARRGGGH!!!”
Putting it all in their previously twisted perspectives—and though it was all done in good fun—Jun could now actually swear they had all seen Sho Sakurai in labor.
And he decided he wouldn’t really mind if it were to become true, although he still thought it weird for the most part.
He also wouldn’t ever feel ashamed over that interview answer about wanting to be a woman and try giving birth in his next life, no matter how many times Nino teased him about. They would all just have to deal with it from now on—
It was at this point that they heard the door click open for the second time, freezing them all in an awkward tableau of five men in a home birthing scene, all seemingly troubled but nonetheless determined to bring a slightly used pillow safely into this world.
One of their managers was at the door, obviously trying to pretend he was not seeing anything odd at all. He cleared his throat and spoke with a slight tremble in his voice, probably from an attempt not to laugh and thus wrongly tolerate their insanity. “If you’re done making fools of yourselves, there’s still work to do.”
It was something they could all just laugh about afterwards, although Sho did refuse to speak with Leader for some time.
Aiba did try his best to mediate between the two, despite knowing it was really nothing to be concerned about since the two older members did have their own way of sorting through their issues and were almost always back in each other’s arms as soon as filming was over.
As for Jun, he was utterly stunned to receive a message from Nino on his phone right after they stepped out of the greenroom. Couldn’t the guy just come up to him and tell him whatever he wanted to say flat-out?
「 Dinner, tonight. I’ll pay. 」
Jun was about to type back something snarky when another message came in—from the same man who was just an Aiba, a Leader and a still flustered Sho away from him.
「 I promise I won’t tease you. Pretty, please? 」
Jun sighed, not really liking the warmth gradually rising to his cheeks at his bandmate’s unusual persistence, but curious enough to reply—
「 I’m not bottoming for you, baka! 」
To which Nino mailed back in kind—
「 We’ll see... :) 」
***Also becausemount_deer and xrachiebunniex are awesome! ~<3
***I think I’ll be reading mpreg from now on, too. There’s no harm in it, ne. ~<3
***This is just weird, but thank you very much for making it this far. xD
Group/Pairing: Arashi/Yama Pair (Ohno/Sho)
Sidepairing: Matsumiya (Nino/Jun)
Prompt: 35 Family
Word Count: 3245
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack
Summary: You know how Arashi gets carried away by their conversations sometimes. One moment Nino is teasing J, the next Sho-chan is giving birth to a pillow. The works.
Disclaimer: I own nobody. Purely fictional, of course. :3
Notes: Inspired by a prompt from
je_prompts, answer #17 by Jun in this article translated by yun_miyake, and because I am beginning to understand the appeal of a pregnant Sho ^___^ ~<3Note II: for
kk4food, more laughs (hopefully) on your special day. Stay happy, ne. ~<3It was plainly out of honest curiosity that he had answered the question that way.
Unfortunately, honest curiosity did not really sit well with Nino’s dogged need to tease.
Jun had lost count of how many times the insufferable guy, who was being especially sharp and tactless today for some reason, had alluded to him being pregnant and surprisingly not dominant.
“I would never have pegged you as bottom, J. But now, I don’t know...”
“Shut up, Nino.”
“Just imagining you pregnant and throwing your wicked tantrums around here sends shivers down my pants...”
“Shut up, Nino.”
“Wait, that did not sound right just now—“
“NINO! I SAID SHUT UP, YOU FUC—!”
“Ah, ah! Calm down, you two!” Aiba stood in the middle of the room with arms outstretched like a boxing referee’s.
Lucky for Nino, too, since Jun was just about to bolt from the couch and slap either one of his lethally accessorized hands on the snickering rascal’s head.
He did not usually mind being teased, and was even often quick enough to laugh and tease back. Teasing was good, especially when they were in their greenroom where they could just put their guards down and talk about everything without restrictions.
Teasing was fun, sometimes even liberating. It’s what had gotten them closer to each other, after all, helped them break many an awkward walls through their years together and taught them which buttons they could and could not push at any given time.
But a teasing Nino, whose red eyes clearly said he had not been sleeping for at least a couple of days, had also never failed to test their patience, always preying on their nerves relentlessly until they were seeing a shade of red so bright it almost looked alien.
And Jun had never really been good at dealing with anything that did not fit his very broad sense of what was normal.
A sleep-deprived Nino was usually just normal.
A sleep-deprived Nino cracking all possible pregnancy jokes he had probably spent the night before learning on the internet, was just not.
And if Jun hadn’t known any better, he would even say the guy had been hinting on wanting to get into his pants all day, which was just absurd because they were both supposedly straight—
—which suddenly reminded him...
"If we're basing it all on being bottom, then shouldn't Sho-kun be the one getting pregnant around here?!"
He did feel guilty for throwing in a guy, who wasn’t even around to defend himself, right under Nino’s viciously trolling nose, but Jun did also talk faster than he could think when he was barely holding on to his bearings.
Aiba’s arms fell with a thump to his sides as a look of confusion slowly crept to his face. “No, that’s not right—eh, is it?”
“Well, he gets hormonal often enough,” Nino mused, only too happy to ride on the wave of Aiba’s feigned ignorance—or at least, Jun hoped it was just feigned.
He felt the couch shift and instantly turned his gaze on the man sitting at the opposite end.
“He does.” Leader, looking barely awake, had cracked open his eyes to join their conversation.
“We thought you’ve already fossilized, Old Man.” Nino smirked, finally giving up on the video game he had been messing up with, judging by the shrieking sounds and mocking fanfare that had been blaring from his DS for the past hour.
“Leader, do you even understand what we’re talking about?” Jun raised an eyebrow at the man, because Ohno-san did have a tendency to speak up without fully understanding what was going on.
Leader crossed his arms over his chest and replied pensively, “We do wonder about it sometimes.”
“Huh?!” It was almost funny how three voices could sound almost alike in mutual awe.
“If Sho-chan does get pregnant, we think about it sometimes.”
Jun was utterly perplexed. “Leader, that’s not even—“
Nino cut him off with a chuckle. “You guys are really weird.”
Aiba put a hand to his chin and looked like he had just tripped on the most significant discovery of his life. “So, Sho-chan does bottom, then. Hmmm...”
“Come to think of it," Nino just couldn’t keep his mouth shut, and even pulled over his chair to straddle it beside Jun before adding, "he does get those weird food cravings, right.”
“He went on that natto binge once, then could barely stand the sight and smell of it for weeks.” Aiba almost looked like he was using half of his brain to think. “He hates yogurt now and always hoards the ham and cheese sandwiches at the cafeteria.”
“He did tell me I smelled weird the other day,” Jun offered with a frown. He figured if they were doing this—and he did veer the conversation this way anyway—he might as well take part in it. He did know a thing or two about pregnancy. “He said he hated my new perfume. I’ve never changed it yet this year.”
“Your perfumes always smell weird, J,” Nino spat dismissively at him before turning his attention back to the topic at hand, pointedly ignoring the youngest Arashi’s withering scowl. “He always complains about feeling ‘stuffed up’ and nauseated. And is it just me, or has anybody else noticed the frequent bathroom breaks?”
“Ah, I noticed it, too!” Aiba piped up. “Also he’s really been sweating a storm these days, huh?”
Jun was barely keeping his brows from shooting all the way up to the top of his head. It started to boggle him just how much they knew about pregnancy, and how much of these symptoms they had been seeing in Sho.
“That reminds me!” Jun said in alarm when he was finally hit by something of real importance. “I need to refill my pain pills. He’s been asking for them non-stop for his backaches and stomach cramps these past weeks.”
“J! Are your meds even safe for pregnant men to take?!” Nino looked and sounded absolutely horrified.
Jun threw him a glare, suddenly feeling stupid for getting involved with this in the first place.
“He’s also been especially moody lately,” Leader pouted thoughtfully, still pretty much immersed in the ruse, though there was an unmistakable hint of genuine distress in his voice now. “He screamed at me this morning for no reason at all, and grabbed the water bottle I was using for tea because we ran out of clean mugs to use!”
“Maybe it’s time to start washing the dishes, Ohno-san,” Jun grumbled, already cringing inside at the mere thought of visiting these lazy old men’s cluttered place.
“Maa, Leader,” Aiba sympathized, slumping on the empty space in the middle of the couch and patting the older man’s shoulder. “It’s going to be really tough on you for the next few months.”
“Would you even know if it’s a boy or a girl?” Nino wondered, looking seriously concerned. “I remember my sister telling me there’s a way of knowing...”
“What would you like to have, Leader?” Aiba sounded enthusiastic. Jun could only roll his eyes as he gradually—and quite literally—deflated on the couch, silently willing the cushions to just gobble him up already.
“They say a pregnant woman gets ugly when it’s a girl,” Leader furrowed his brows in deep thought. Jun was amused the man even knew about this. “Sho-chan can’t be ugly, he’s an idol. So, probably a boy... Then again, does it work the same way with men?”
“What do you mean?” Aiba sounded lost.
“I mean, if Sho-chan’s a man and he gets pregnant with a boy, wouldn’t that make him ugly, too?”
“Aahhh...” Aiba looked even more lost, with Nino indulging him with a tell-tale sneer as they both turned to the ceiling in almost genuine wonder. Leader joined in shortly.
“I don’t think It would matter very much, Leader,” Jun felt it necessary to speak up, mainly to save the three idiots from hurting their necks. Besides, they were all rather bored anyway, and this was still—more or less—normal talk by Arashi standards. “There’s nothing a little make-up can’t fix. And we have staff to take care of that for Sho-kun.”
“Ah, you’re right, J. It doesn’t matter, then. As long as it’s healthy, right?”
“Sho-chan will have to stop drinking, though,” Nino proposed yet another problem. “He’ll have to stay home and say no to his friends’ invitations every night. He’ll be so pissed!”
Aiba slung his arm around Leader’s shoulders. “And you’ll just have to endure all of it, ne.”
Leader dutifully sighed and hung his head in dismay.
“He’ll be snoring like a steamship in his sleep.” Jun almost felt sorry he was actually starting to find this fun. “Not that he doesn’t already.”
“He’ll be farting everywhere!” Nino, on the other hand, was shameless in flaunting his enjoyment.
“He’ll have to get shaved in labor!” Aiba just had to chip in with his perverted take on things.
“Sho-chan does shave.”
Jun could almost hear their thoughts screeching to a halt as all three of them turned their undisguised, wide-eyed dread on their unbelievably candid Leader.
“Down there?” Jun almost choked at the images this revelation instantly brought to his head.
“Hn. Even when I told him it doesn’t bother me.”
Nino threw him a leer and a wink. “Will you shave for me, too, J?”
Jun instantly felt scandalized. “Why would I even do that?!”
“Ah, just imagine how loud he’ll scream in labor!” Aiba thankfully veered the gears back on track quickly enough.
And Nino just as quickly rode on it and drove forward. “I wonder if he’ll faint in labor.”
“I bet Leader will faint in labor.” Aiba snickered.
“Leader may not even be there in labor!” Jun snapped, exploiting the diversion for what it’s worth.
“I’ll be there,” Leader jutted his jaw out in a comical look of determination. “Sho-chan, will never forgive me if I weren’t.”
A brief lull settled upon them, as they silently tried to wrap their minds around what they had been talking about for the past several minutes. Jun was seriously finding it harder to deny the fact that the thought of a pregnant Sho Sakurai was actually starting to amuse him.
He was so fascinated by it that when a realization suddenly hit him, he found himself babbling, almost in a panic, before his better judgment could catch up.
“I don’t think we’re looking into this straight, you guys. I mean, the baby can’t come out of Sho-kun’s ass, can it? That’s just... gross!”
“Sho-chan will have to be sliced up then, while under anesthesia. Like in that movie, you know,” Aiba readily offered the best possible solution that had Jun nodding his head in both agreement and awe.
Any hint of reluctance he may have had in embracing the possibility of this madness had strangely vanished somewhere along the way. He didn’t even mind it anymore. If Arnold Schwarzenegger could give birth, why couldn’t their Sho-chan?
“What a downer. I would’ve really loved to hear Sho-chan’s labor screams.” Nino was positively glowering.
“That sounded really wrong, Nino,” Jun glared at the pouting man, who turned and looked into his eyes so intensely that he was suddenly remembering every single thing the little flirt had been telling him all day. He huffed and looked away, trying to ignore the lingering burn of Nino’s gaze on his cheek.
“Hiding that baby bump might be troublesome...” Leader mused loudly, rubbing a hand to his chin.
“Will Sho-chan even be able to keep his balance with a baby bump?” Jun was only too glad for the distraction.
“Sho-chan shouldn’t even be allowed to walk with a baby bump!” Aiba declared in an uncharacteristic show of authority. “I mean, just think of how clumsy he is already without it!”
“But, won’t it be interesting to see Sho-chan with a baby bump wobbling all over the place?” Nino challenged, spreading his sly grin all across the room, and eventually turning their eyes up on that random spot in the ceiling that gave them leave to lose themselves in limbo with pregnant little Sho-chan’s capering about in their heads, falling over backwards and screaming “Iya da! Iya da!” while thrashing with all his might and overblown temper on the floor.
Jun could practically feel his eyes sparkling with delight, his throat rumbling with a quiet chuckle at almost the same time as the three other guys lost in the same train of thoughts. He still could not believe he was actually enjoying this, but what the hell, right? Guilty pleasures did exist, because they were pleasurable. And Jun didn’t really mind having this as his own...
It was funny how four grown men could gasp and jolt as one at the mere sound of the door opening and closing on its own with a click.
A disgruntled Sho Sakurai, his cargo pants wet from the crotch down, appeared before them like a vision, his voice ringing twice as loud as it should in their ears, “Satoshi-kun, my water just broke.”
It was funny how four grown men could gasp in chorus a second time, rise to their feet together as though in a dance, and start yelling in mutual horror—
“SHO-CHAN, YOU’RE NOT REALLY...?!”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”
“WHAT THE FUCK, SHO-KUN?!”
“OH MY GOD, LEADER! YOU DID KNOCK SHO-CHAN UP!”
The sound of Leader flopping back down on the couch barely registered in Jun’s head as he watched Sho look back at them first in confusion, then in shock as he began to understand the subtle meaning of what he had just said.
Sho was visibly flushing as he tried to correct himself. “My water bottle broke! It’s my water bottle! Satoshi-kun I told you not to use it for hot tea! It’s old and not durable enough!”
Four grown men let out a collective sigh of relief. Nervous chuckles and smatterings of “Thank God!” filled the room as they fell back on their seats, their minds still reeling from their crashing return to reality.
Of course, what were they thinking? They had probably missed the word bottle the first time in their utter fascination with the impossible.
Sho, on the other hand, had had enough time to process things in his head and was now narrowing his eyes at them in suspicion, “What have you guys been talking about?”
Jun did not really understand what happened next, or why he let himself take part in it without protest.
Perhaps they were really just bored and wanted to fill the idle time between shoots with something more fun than mere speculations...
Perhaps Sho-kun’s flushed cheeks, pouting lips and narrowed eyes matched something they had all been imagining quite vividly in their heads just a while ago...
Perhaps, they really just had to know...
It only took a glance and a grin of mischief from Nino for all three of them—minus Leader—to bolt up to their feet and grab whatever part of the startled Sho they could swipe at.
“What the—!” Sho’s gasp synchronized with Leader’s angered grunt as one old man got toppled to the floor while the other jumped to his feet in a rescue attempt that ended with Nino’s stubby fingers fanned out in front of its face.
“Don’t tell us you’re not curious to see, Old Man!” Nino’s challenging scowl froze Leader on his hands and knees.
The poor old man, his deadpan face twitching with a poorly restrained amusement, rocked back on his heels and watched in a silent trance as Nino began to stuff a throw pillow under Sho’s shirt, molding it as best he could in the likeness of a baby bump as Sho struggled and screamed in both malice and dread—
“WHAT THE HELL! LET ME GO! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! NINO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! HELP MEEE, SATOSHI-KUUUN!!!!”
Jun could hardly keep himself from laughing as he tried not to lose hold on the writhing man’s air-muscled arms. Aiba looked just as hard-pressed in keeping Sho’s bent legs steady while Nino pushed the rest of the pillow in, taking special care in keeping it as round and real as possible to satisfy their curiosities.
“SATOSHI-KUN!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!”
This time, Jun couldn’t help chuckling. Whether he meant to or not, Sho-kun seemed to be playing into the role he had been stuck with in this impromptu play. Jun stole a glance at Leader, just in time to catch the man reach out and grasp Sho’s hand in support. Sho grabbed the hand and gripped it with all his might, making Leader scowl goofily, Aiba to cackle almost evilly, Nino to snort through the cruel string of giggles in his throat, and Jun to completely slacken his hold on Sho and fall over on his butt in a fit of wanton laughter.
“Just a little bit more, Sho-chan,” Nino tried to keep his face straight, his voice nonsensical.
“ITAI! ITAI! ITAI!!! SATOSHI-KUUUN, I HATE YOUUU!!!! AAARRGGGH!!!”
Putting it all in their previously twisted perspectives—and though it was all done in good fun—Jun could now actually swear they had all seen Sho Sakurai in labor.
And he decided he wouldn’t really mind if it were to become true, although he still thought it weird for the most part.
He also wouldn’t ever feel ashamed over that interview answer about wanting to be a woman and try giving birth in his next life, no matter how many times Nino teased him about. They would all just have to deal with it from now on—
It was at this point that they heard the door click open for the second time, freezing them all in an awkward tableau of five men in a home birthing scene, all seemingly troubled but nonetheless determined to bring a slightly used pillow safely into this world.
One of their managers was at the door, obviously trying to pretend he was not seeing anything odd at all. He cleared his throat and spoke with a slight tremble in his voice, probably from an attempt not to laugh and thus wrongly tolerate their insanity. “If you’re done making fools of yourselves, there’s still work to do.”
It was something they could all just laugh about afterwards, although Sho did refuse to speak with Leader for some time.
Aiba did try his best to mediate between the two, despite knowing it was really nothing to be concerned about since the two older members did have their own way of sorting through their issues and were almost always back in each other’s arms as soon as filming was over.
As for Jun, he was utterly stunned to receive a message from Nino on his phone right after they stepped out of the greenroom. Couldn’t the guy just come up to him and tell him whatever he wanted to say flat-out?
「 Dinner, tonight. I’ll pay. 」
Jun was about to type back something snarky when another message came in—from the same man who was just an Aiba, a Leader and a still flustered Sho away from him.
「 I promise I won’t tease you. Pretty, please? 」
Jun sighed, not really liking the warmth gradually rising to his cheeks at his bandmate’s unusual persistence, but curious enough to reply—
「 I’m not bottoming for you, baka! 」
To which Nino mailed back in kind—
「 We’ll see... :) 」
#####
***Also because
mount_deer and xrachiebunniex are awesome! ~<3***I think I’ll be reading mpreg from now on, too. There’s no harm in it, ne. ~<3
***This is just weird, but thank you very much for making it this far. xD
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2013-09-12 04:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-13 11:02 pm (UTC)Thank you very much and I am really glad the crack worked! Baby names, huh? I bet they'll have a hard time thinking of one, what with the Kaze trio around to confuse things. xDDD
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Date: 2013-09-12 06:19 am (UTC)I am as amused and fascinated by a pregnant!Sho as the four of them. But in the fantasy world if Sho really gets pregnant, I'm sure he will be pampered and loved by Satoshi and the Kaze trio.
This fic made me go back and re-read my OnB fic all over again. Now that you will read mpreg, may be you can give it a try too XD
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:23 am (UTC)Hai! I also do believe that Sho will totally be spoiled if he does get pregnant. Those boys love him enough to be at his every beck and call. ^___^
I've really been meaning to read that series, and will do so real soon! Thank you very much! And have a blast on your new year ne! And keep those Yama fics coming! <3<3<3
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Date: 2013-09-12 08:43 am (UTC)thank you <3
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:24 am (UTC)Thanks for reading! //hugs <3
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Date: 2013-09-12 10:33 am (UTC)This really made my day.. I'm been laughing so hard until the end..
Their fantasy over preg Sho is so funny..
They even thought about the things that only women knows..
I wanna see Sho in labor.. Lol
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:28 am (UTC)Lately, fantasizing about a pregnant Sho never fails to make my day, too. And I think that just sounded really strange right now.xD
I always find men who take an effort to learn about pregnancy really adorable. And Sho in labor will be epic! I'll definitely be there watching it with you, lol! We're so bad! xD ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-12 01:12 pm (UTC)this is like... this is like... a new milestone. :D
Once again, this came out when I was actually having the 'weird cravings' of... well i think u can guess xD. I think I prolly have been rummaging thru all accessible japanese fics i cd find last night just to satisfy it... and now you dish this out? *glomps*
It's amazing how u managed to write such epicness from something J answered xD, i love you. Even when the person in question insisted to be a man even in the next life. Sho-chan, it can't be anymore easier, sad to say.
Somehow, reading the 4 of them making such intellectual discussion on this... it's like deja vu xD. I totally understood how J must have felt, it's like "This is baaad..." but somehow one cant help but get sucked into it (uhuh.)
-- “Satoshi-kun, my water just broke.” --
This. is. just. pure. WIN. I wouldn't put it pass Sho to conveniently omit words in his speech that will dig his own grave a few nanoseconds later. xD
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Date: 2013-09-14 02:17 am (UTC)This took a while to brew, though. And I am really glad it came at just the right time to satisfy those cravings. Ah, I think I'm having them, too now.
No, Sho-chan. You're going to be female in your next life. I'll pray hard for it.xD
I was channeling all my curiosities about mpreg through J. In a way, while writing this I was also working through my issues. But, hey! It's fun. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with fun, ne.
LOL! That line came out of nowhere. It served as the launching pad for everything! What if Sho said something like this, how would the other members react? And then this happened.xD
I've been having too much fun making fun of Sho lately. Maybe I should give fail!Sho-chan a break for a while.
Thank you very much, Linda! You really have a way of inspiring interesting plotlines. //hugs ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-12 02:56 pm (UTC)I lolled so much xDD
and matsumiya at the end is <3
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:31 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked the Matsumiya, too. They're adorable, ne.
Thank you very much for reading! //hugs ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-12 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-12 04:49 pm (UTC)/breathes iiiin and out
/breathes iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn . . .
//...oooooouuuuutttt
*bursts out laughing*
IKAW NA, Rin. IKAW NA. you have left
and my gawwwwwddddddd, you are EXPLORING the horizons! good on you! :D I find this entirely believable and fantastic.
And only Nino would ever get snarky to get in someone elses pants. ;D (and I totally WON'T MIND if it were mind, *wink*) <-------ignore this, my ovaries are just exploding with the possibilities! :DDDDDDDDD
and this is probably one of the LOOOOOOOOOOONGEST reviews I've ever written you. That just means you made me a rotten mess of blubbering fool. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD
i love you. Here have my phallus. Wait, I don't have a phallus. XDDDDDD I'm ssoooooooooooooooooo not coherent. My best friend is staring at me weirdly for writing that down now.
. . . i'll just walk away now.
GREAT FIC Rin! :D You really did out do yourself this time. and yay to NOT being morbid. :)
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Date: 2013-09-14 02:28 am (UTC)Thank you very much for reading this madness! And
I kind of like exploring horizons! My second year in the fandom is going to be all about stepping out of boundaries and trying out new things (or at least things that are new for me). xD
Longest, yes this is.xD And no to the phallus (where are you gonna get one should I demand for it? j/k).
Thank you very much again for that fun review! You always make me laugh, you! //hugs to you and miyu ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-12 04:51 pm (UTC)i was laughing all the way that my friend said i'm weird...but totally love this...
i would really love to see pregnant shoXD
and i bet he is lovable as well as cute>////
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:37 am (UTC)Hai, agreed! We'll just never get enough of pregnant Sho, if it does happen. xD ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:43 am (UTC)I am really glad you enjoyed this! Sho-chan won't give Leader much of a choice anyway, lol! He'll have to be there or else... xDD
Don't overwork yourself, all right. Take a few minutes to breathe once in a while. ^___^ ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-13 01:23 am (UTC)this was absolutely humourous. i didn't have to read the whole thing to know that our beloved Mount_deer would be all over this like a... pregnant woman on severe cravings :D
the humour~ the interactions~ the ohsolovely matsumiya :)
you are good at attacking all the right spots :) and exploring new stuff too! good on you~ forever progressing
Thanks for sharing~
Continue feeding us with awesome please :)
Missing you already from her transit to Japan :P
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Date: 2013-09-14 02:34 am (UTC)LOL! I didn't think the cravings were that bad. I'm feeling hints of it now too (uh-oh) :D
Thank you very much for your lovely comments, Rachie! I am always waiting for your awesome as well. ~<3
Take care and have fun, ne! I shall await your travel stories! //hugs ~<3
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Date: 2013-09-13 04:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-14 01:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-13 08:10 am (UTC)I think I lost my sleepiness already..haha..really..how could I be sleepy after imagining Sakurai Sho giving birth to a pillow^^
thank you for sharing
*am putting this is memory*
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Date: 2013-09-14 01:49 am (UTC)Thank you very much for reading! ~<3
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Date: 2014-05-07 06:41 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing!
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Date: 2014-05-31 06:53 pm (UTC)