neko_kirin3104 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
neko_kirin3104) wrote2013-12-22 08:26 pm
neko_kirin3104) wrote2013-12-22 08:26 pm
Entry tags:
[Arashi] Livid (2/2)
<<<< Part 01
The days that followed felt like a life that did not belong to him, in a world that’s completely apart from the reality he had come to know.
The walls around his room were no longer the relaxing beige that he remembered, instead it was just white, plain and blinding in its barrenness.
The bed he used to share with his partner was smaller, narrower, and no longer had the familiar fruity scent of their favorite foamy shampoo.
His sheets were thinner, his pillow emptier, his days and nights stretching out before him in a bizarre portrait that just got stranger and hazier each day.
“How are you feeling today, Sakurai-kun?” Masaki always came to ask him this, like clockwork that never run out of steam.
“Satoshi-kun hasn’t been home for days now...” he would reply the same way he always did—different word choices, but the same longing thoughts.
“Matsumoto-kun and Ninomiya-kun are waiting for you out in the courtyard,” Masaki said, his smile confident and reassuring that Sho did not even have the heart to frown at the man for dismissing his reply just like that.
He instead stared intently at Masaki, still finding it hard to associate this man from the one that had been imprinted in his memories. The light blue scrubs looked out of place, though the smile was still the same warm, reassuring one he remembered. The whole ensemble looked boring and unembellished, though, except for a nameplate stuck to his left chest.
Come to think of it, he had never once bothered to ask Masaki what he did for a living. “What do you do, Masaki-kun? I’ve never seen this type of clothes on you before.”
“Hmm?” Masaki looked amused. “I guess those supplements are really doing wonders to your health, ne. Ja!” Masaki clapped his hands together and finally stepped into the room, holding out his hand to Sho while happily declaring, “Let’s get you out, Sakurai-kun. Your friends are waiting for you.”
“Wh-Where?!” Sho reeled back instinctively, looking at Masaki’s hand as though it was a viper poised to poke his eyes out at any second.
“Out in the courtyard.” Masaki chuckled, lowering his hand, but never accepting defeat. “I just told you. Come on. You can use some fresh air once in a while, you know.”
Sho did not even know they had a courtyard out here. Or that he had even managed to keep friends.
Nevertheless, he quietly followed Masaki’s lead, if only to satisfy his growing curiosity about this place, the familiar yet unfamiliar faces in it, and how all of these things relate to his life in this newfound reality he had just been dumped into...
December 27, 1998
2145
People seem to think Satoshi-kun is the nicest kid around.
That just sickens me.
The guy does nothing all day but tease me.
And laugh whenever I trip on something.
And laugh even more when I showed him my drawings.
I’ve put all my heart on finishing those things!
It’s not my fault that people don’t get them!
Satoshi-kun says he does.
It’s just that... they’re really funny.
“At first glance,” he says.
“But I like them,” he says.
But he wouldn’t stop laughing.
I hate that boy so much!
How can they say he’s nice?
He’s not nice, he says so himself.
He just doesn’t want to waste his time arguing with people.
“But you always argue with me!” I said.
“Because I like you,” he said. “And you’re special.”
“You just like to tease me,” I said.
“It’s your fault,” he said. “You look cute when you pout.”
He’s the worst kid on the planet!
But...
I’ll probably miss him a little.
You know, when he goes home.
Matsumoto-kun and Ninomiya-kun turned out to be Jun and Nino, his neighbors from a previous life. Or the life he used to know as truth.
“You look.. different,” Jun said, leaning so close that Sho could practically smell last night’s dinner from his breath.
The curious man winced when Nino slapped him lightly on the head. “Personal space, J. It’s Sho-chan.”
Sho shivered at the way Nino had said his name and deliberately avoided his gaze, like he was some grouch who bit people’s head off should they even dare to get closer.
He felt rather hurt when Jun pulled back and left him on his own on the bench.
And for some strange reasons, the two men just kept walking in perfect sync, back and forth, over and over, in front of him until he got dizzy and curious enough to ask, “What are you doing?”
“Are we talking to each other again?” Nino narrowed his eyes at him cautiously, making him gulp and struggle to dig into his memories for something he might have done in the past several days to deserve this kind of hostility from a man he hardly even knew.
“Aren’t we...?” he ended up asking, his brows knotting in uncertainty.
Nino snorted, but approached the bench anyway and rather begrudgingly sat beside him. Jun stopped walking, too, and stood beside the bench to lazily toe on a patch of dried leaves on the ground.
Nino looked at Sho for a moment, making him gasp at the intensity of that stare, before sighing and leaning heavily on the backrest. “You do look different today, Sho-chan.”
“Eh?”
“Different, yes,” Jun mumbled without looking up from his leaves.
Sho frowned at the seemingly detached man. “What’s wrong with him?”
“The same thing that’s wrong with you,” Nino said. “And me. And everybody else in this place. Look, we’re even wearing the same uniform.”
“This is not a uniform...” Sho’s voice trailed off when he looked down and saw the matching white shirt and pajama pants he was wearing that’s completely identical to the ones that Jun and Nino had on. “What the...?!”
“Hm... You see it now, ne? Maybe now you’ll stop acting like you’re better than the rest of us.”
“What?” Sho’s eyes were suddenly brimming with tears, and he could not even begin to understand why. “What is this place? Where am I?”
“It’s home,” Nino’s gaze swept across the courtyard with pride. “And you’ve been living here for the last five years. Your grandmother took you here, herself.”
“My grandmother is dead.”
“So you keep telling yourself.”
“But she’s dead,” Sho whined, his whole body shuddering from his mind’s effort to keep up with his lies. “She’s dead.”
Nino fixed him with a look of sympathy. Even Jun raised his head and stopped toeing his leaves.
“Sho-chan, you’re getting better,” Nino said slowly, like he was afraid Sho might miss a significant word. “Please don’t waste Masaki’s efforts. He really cares, you know.”
“Satoshi-kun hasn’t been home for days now...” Sho was grasping at unraveling straws.
Nino sighed and exchanged quiet looks with Jun before pulling something out from his pants pocket.
A yellowed sheet of paper he pressed into Sho’s palm while saying, “You have to stop. You need to stop, Sho-chan.”
Nino let go of his wrist and gave him time to look at the paper, an old newspaper clipping that burned through the scales in Sho’s eyes and made him finally see this place for what it was. His life for what it had never been.
“No,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief and covering his mouth to hold back the dozen screams of agony that was piling up in his throat.
Because he was beginning to understand the lies he had been surrounding himself with in a desperate attempt to preserve a familiar space. The only kind of life he knew he could understand, despite the pain, despite the complications, despite the tears and the constant heartbreak, and everything else he had to endure.
It was the only life he knew he deserved.
“No,” he sobbed, trying to close his eyes to the truth. But it’s already been seared into his mind, and he could no longer turn back now.
And then Nino was saying, “Satoshi’s never coming back...”
And Sho was wailing loudly and crashing to the ground, cursing everything and everyone like it was their fault that Satoshi was gone.
Sho struggled against the set of strong hands that grabbed him, gasped at a tiny prick of pain on the side of his neck, and helplessly surrendered himself to the comfort of the ensuing darkness.
December 30, 1998
2123
I’ll never forget this day.
This day marked a turning point in my life
One that I can’t even explain, or describe with much justice.
But I’m going to write about it.
Because I’d like to remember it for the rest of my life.
About a week ago, I met a boy.
Who thought I was a girl.
Who eventually realized I wasn’t, but still told me he liked me anyway.
He said he was going to kiss me, before he leaves.
He vowed he was going to make me want it.
And I laughed at his face.
Like the way he laughed at my drawings.
“That’s impossible!” I said. “I’m a boy!”
Dammit, Satosh-kun! I’m a boy!
I really shouldn’t have spoken out too soon.
But, that’s Sho Sakurai for you.
Surprisingly gullible, like you wouldn’t believe.
Satoshi-kun only had to show me a sketch he did.
Of us kissing behind a tree, in the park, close to the swings, at sunset.
With the date arrogantly printed in a corner.
Like he knew for sure it was going to come true.
“Aren’t you curious?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
And he went on to describe how it felt like to kiss someone.
Like he knew, for sure, what he was talking about.
Pursing his lips and wiggling his tongue, even.
Like he’s really done it for real.
He’s probably just read those things somewhere.
I wouldn’t put it pass him, you know.
The sleazy bastard that he is!
“You’re blushing, Sho-chan,” he said. “It gets you thinking, right?”
“No,” I said.
And then he took my hand, and pulled me to a cluster of trees.
And I willingly went with him.
Because it really did get me thinking.
“See,” he said, pinning me to a tree. “You want it now, right?”
“No,” I said.
But I closed my eyes anyway.
And I shivered all over when I felt his lips on mine.
Like, I couldn’t quite tell if I was disgusted, or embarrassed.
Or embarrassed that I wasn’t disgusted.
“But... I’m a boy!...” I said.
“Does it even matter now?” he said,
His breath felt comforting, and reassuring against my face.
And I just... gave in.
I couldn’t really describe how I felt then.
Maybe there’s just no describing it.
Just that it felt good to be held the way Satoshi-kun held me.
To be touched the way that Satoshi-kun touched.
To be loved the way that only Satoshi-kun can do.
I don’t even remember how we even made it to his room.
I just remembered feeling embarrassed when one of his aunts smiled at me like she didn’t know what his stupid nephew was up to.
But what I would remember this day for—most of all—is the promise that Satoshi said, when the sun had completely set, and we had both come down from all the peaks we have reached together.
Satoshi had looked into my eyes with such intensity that for a moment, I had a vision of him flickering into an older version of himself.
Still beautiful, still intense, and still keeping the promise he had given me tonight—
“I’ll take care of you from now on...”
I think I may have cried a river in his arms.
And I’m sure he’s going to tease me about it for the rest of our days.
The memories never really leave his mind. They just become more vivid at this time of year.
Tucked safely in the darkness that he often chooses to wrap himself in, when the days get colder and the nights feel lonelier, Sho hugs his knees to his chest and loses himself in tearful memories of the boy who still owns his heart.
He frees one hand and fishes out a polished chrome Zippo from his pocket, the one that the scatterbrained guy who bumped into him a while ago had unknowingly lent.
The thing feels deceptively cold against his palm, making tiny nerve endings in his fingers shudder. His hand trembles a little as he flips the lid off the lighter, then flicks it close again, doing the same thing over and over while humming a made-up tune to himself.
And then he finally slides his thumb down the thumbwheel, igniting a flickering yellow and blue flame that instantly chased the darkness away. Then closes the lid on it again.
He stays still for a couple of minutes, keeping an ear out for possible intruders.
Hearing nothing but silence, he settles back into the warmest corner of his safe place, pulls the small, worn-out journal tucked in the garter of his pants, and ignites the Zippo’s flame once again.
He doesn’t even flinch when he feels a familiar presence beside him—the flimsy image of a boy, born out of his memories from a long time ago, flickering in and out in time to the rhythmic dancing of the flames.
Satoshi Ohno is seventeen years old again. His beautiful, translucent face is still just as round as Sho remembers it, his cheeks are just as fleshy, and his eyes are just as naughty as he peers over Sho’s shoulder and reads about himself.
Sometimes, Satoshi says something funny, and Sho will end up snorting and covering his mouth for fear of getting found out.
Most times, Satoshi just stays quiet and lets Sho have his moment with all the precious memories he has written along with the feelings he has always kept in his heart.
And when he finally closes the covers of his old journal on the very last entry, and starts sniffing and muttering, “I’m sorry... I’m sorry...” like he thinks he’s to blame for all the sins of the world, that’s when he feels the most comforting warmth surrounding his shoulders, spreading all the way through to his soul.
He shivers when a contrastingly cold draft blows into his ear, “You’re such a crybaby, Sho-chan.”
“I am not,” he whispers back, smiling through his tears because this isn’t the first time Satoshi has teased him about them.
He remembers his grandmother say that whenever a star falls from the sky, a soul goes up to God in exchange for it.
Not one star fell for Satoshi that night. He waited for one, but not one came.
And Sho has taken this to mean that his friend, his beloved, is still here.
Forever here with him.
“I love you, Sho-chan,” The draft draws a pleasant trail across his face.
“Please don’t leave me...” he says as the fire goes out and he feels a light and surprisingly warm kiss brush against his lips.
January 10, 1999
2124
I saw my mom again, several days ago.
I’m only writing about it now because...
A lot of things have happened.
She was with me in my safe place that night.
I thought I was dreaming, because I have just woken up to the thick smell of smoke clogging up my chest.
But now I know for sure.
She was there.
She was right beside me.
She even held my hand when my dad started screaming.
She held me back, when I heard Satoshi’s voice calling out my name.
Then my mom was leaning forward and was kissing my forehead and...
I don’t really remember anything else after that.
I woke up in a hospital.
And they started telling me that my father’s house has just burned down.
And that it was nothing short of a miracle that I survived.
Because while everything else has crumbled down around it, my mom’s empty closet remained intact.
And I remained unscathed inside it.
That was when I remembered mom.
That was when I knew why she never came back for me.
And it broke my heart to realize that maybe...
Just maybe... she didn’t really leave.
Because she was there, when I really needed her the most.
She saved my life.
And then they were telling me that my father was dead.
That the fire has been his fault.
Drunk as he was, the old bastard fell asleep while smoking a cigarette.
Then it caught on fire on the carpet and almost killed me, too.
Right after he’s just beaten me raw for not coming home for days.
For choosing a dumb-looking city boy over my own father.
And then they were telling me that Satoshi-kun was gone, too.
But, that’s impossible.
Because he couldn’t have been in that fire, right?
When I heard him call my name, that was just me imagining things.
Satoshi-kun just... went home.
Because he’s only here for two weeks, anyway.
He’s only here for two weeks.
He’s gone back home now.
And he’s going to forget about me.
He couldn’t have been in that fire that night!
That’s just... stupid.
Stupid, Satoshi-kun.
You’re stupid!
And I hate you so much right now!
You couldn’t have been in that fire...
You’re not that stupid,
You’re not stupid.
You’re not...
This isn’t the first time that Sho Sakurai has gotten him in trouble.
It’s the tenth time this month that they have found the man snuggled up to a corner of his bathroom, his fingers clutched tightly around a flip-top lighter and his old journal pressed hard against his chest.
Sho let go of the lighter and willingly handed his journal to him, both of them knowing quite well that superbly kind Nurse Masaki will end up giving it back anyway.
Masaki’s superior has told him, time and time again, that he shouldn’t be too lenient with his patients.
“I’m sorry, Okada-sensei,” he mumbles into his collarbone, biting his lip and fidgeting like a boy that’s been caught snooping on his grandfather’s porn collection.
“Why don’t you give him a penlight?” Okada-sensei says, his face and tone flat like he doesn’t really mean to say what he just said.
Masaki looks up and drops his jaw in confusion. “Huh?”
“A penlight,” Okada-sensei says again, his words barely spilling down the side of his lips as he pretends to straighten a stack of patient files on his desk. “Give him one.”
“Can I...?”
“Don’t make me repeat myself, Masaki!’
“H-Hai!”
“And don’t let that idiot Maruyama come to this ward again!”
“Yes, sir!” He makes a comical salute that draws a small smile from Okada-sensei before the older man waves him away.
As Masaki saunters down the hallway from the nurse supervisor’s office, whistling to himself and making mental notes of his mental note to buy a penlight for Sho, he finds himself inadvertently heading towards his most special patient’s room.
He knows he’s not supposed to play favorites, but Sho Sakurai is the first patient whose progress he has personally overseen. And even though it hasn’t been easy at all during their first couple of months together, and everything just got harder still after the wily patient Nino (who thinks he’s a nurse sometimes) slipped Sho that newspaper clipping about the house fire that killed his father and his friend, Masaki is still grateful for every moment of it because through it all, he has learned a lot about himself, about his job, and about the undeniable powers and miracles of true love.
“Hey,” he says, leaning casually on the door frame of Sho Sakurai’s new room. Since the man has been showing tremendous progress—except for the occasional lapses when they find him in the bathroom in the morning—Okada-sensei has arranged for Sho to be transferred to a much better lodging with a more homey feel to it.
Well, most of it is because Sho’s overjoyed grandmother has told them to give his grandson everything he will ever need to get better faster, after Sho finally recognizes her on one of her random visits.
“Hey,” Sho smiles back—he does that more often now—before putting the book he’s been flipping idly through back to the open shelf beside his bed.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Good.” Sho pulls another book and starts flipping again. “When will I have my journal back?”
“Later,” Masaki says. “Okada-sensei says I should give you a penlight.”
Sho’s head snaps up from his book, his eyes practically sparkling with excitement. “Really?!”
“It’ll be my Christmas gift for you.”
Sho frowns dubiously. “But you’re not supposed to give us gifts, right?”
“It’ll be our secret then, ne?” He presses a finger to his lips and pouts. “You’re not going to tell on me, are you?”
“No.” Sho smiles and looks straight into his eyes—for the tenth time, because Nurse Masaki cares enough to keep count. “Thank you, Aiba-san.”
Masaki feels like jumping up and down with delight, though Sho’s surprising politeness still makes him cringe sometimes.
It’s moments such as this that makes his job, and everything he has to give and give up for it, worthwhile.
“Well, then. I’ll be going now.”
“And my journal?”
“I’ll hand it to you on my way out.”
And Masaki is sauntering off again, towards the nurse’s lounge this time, while whistling a happier tune than before.
He may be a little too lenient, true. But if it helps Sho cope with his new reality, find comfort in his momentary madness as he takes each small step towards a full recovery, who is he to deny the man his happiness?
Maybe, in time, Sho Sakurai will eventually learn to forgive himself.
December 30, 1999
2355
List of things that Sho Sakurai did wrong—
* My dad’s breakfast.
* My dad’s lunch.
* My dad’s dinner.
* My artpieces.
* My chores.
* My life.
One thing that Sho Sakurai did right—
* Satoshi-kun
***Pun joke not mine. I snagged it from here.
***The holidays got to me, so it’s kind of a happy ending? XD
***Thank you very much for reading! :)
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
The days that followed felt like a life that did not belong to him, in a world that’s completely apart from the reality he had come to know.
The walls around his room were no longer the relaxing beige that he remembered, instead it was just white, plain and blinding in its barrenness.
The bed he used to share with his partner was smaller, narrower, and no longer had the familiar fruity scent of their favorite foamy shampoo.
His sheets were thinner, his pillow emptier, his days and nights stretching out before him in a bizarre portrait that just got stranger and hazier each day.
“How are you feeling today, Sakurai-kun?” Masaki always came to ask him this, like clockwork that never run out of steam.
“Satoshi-kun hasn’t been home for days now...” he would reply the same way he always did—different word choices, but the same longing thoughts.
“Matsumoto-kun and Ninomiya-kun are waiting for you out in the courtyard,” Masaki said, his smile confident and reassuring that Sho did not even have the heart to frown at the man for dismissing his reply just like that.
He instead stared intently at Masaki, still finding it hard to associate this man from the one that had been imprinted in his memories. The light blue scrubs looked out of place, though the smile was still the same warm, reassuring one he remembered. The whole ensemble looked boring and unembellished, though, except for a nameplate stuck to his left chest.
Come to think of it, he had never once bothered to ask Masaki what he did for a living. “What do you do, Masaki-kun? I’ve never seen this type of clothes on you before.”
“Hmm?” Masaki looked amused. “I guess those supplements are really doing wonders to your health, ne. Ja!” Masaki clapped his hands together and finally stepped into the room, holding out his hand to Sho while happily declaring, “Let’s get you out, Sakurai-kun. Your friends are waiting for you.”
“Wh-Where?!” Sho reeled back instinctively, looking at Masaki’s hand as though it was a viper poised to poke his eyes out at any second.
“Out in the courtyard.” Masaki chuckled, lowering his hand, but never accepting defeat. “I just told you. Come on. You can use some fresh air once in a while, you know.”
Sho did not even know they had a courtyard out here. Or that he had even managed to keep friends.
Nevertheless, he quietly followed Masaki’s lead, if only to satisfy his growing curiosity about this place, the familiar yet unfamiliar faces in it, and how all of these things relate to his life in this newfound reality he had just been dumped into...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 27, 1998
2145
People seem to think Satoshi-kun is the nicest kid around.
That just sickens me.
The guy does nothing all day but tease me.
And laugh whenever I trip on something.
And laugh even more when I showed him my drawings.
I’ve put all my heart on finishing those things!
It’s not my fault that people don’t get them!
Satoshi-kun says he does.
It’s just that... they’re really funny.
“At first glance,” he says.
“But I like them,” he says.
But he wouldn’t stop laughing.
I hate that boy so much!
How can they say he’s nice?
He’s not nice, he says so himself.
He just doesn’t want to waste his time arguing with people.
“But you always argue with me!” I said.
“Because I like you,” he said. “And you’re special.”
“You just like to tease me,” I said.
“It’s your fault,” he said. “You look cute when you pout.”
He’s the worst kid on the planet!
But...
I’ll probably miss him a little.
You know, when he goes home.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
Matsumoto-kun and Ninomiya-kun turned out to be Jun and Nino, his neighbors from a previous life. Or the life he used to know as truth.
“You look.. different,” Jun said, leaning so close that Sho could practically smell last night’s dinner from his breath.
The curious man winced when Nino slapped him lightly on the head. “Personal space, J. It’s Sho-chan.”
Sho shivered at the way Nino had said his name and deliberately avoided his gaze, like he was some grouch who bit people’s head off should they even dare to get closer.
He felt rather hurt when Jun pulled back and left him on his own on the bench.
And for some strange reasons, the two men just kept walking in perfect sync, back and forth, over and over, in front of him until he got dizzy and curious enough to ask, “What are you doing?”
“Are we talking to each other again?” Nino narrowed his eyes at him cautiously, making him gulp and struggle to dig into his memories for something he might have done in the past several days to deserve this kind of hostility from a man he hardly even knew.
“Aren’t we...?” he ended up asking, his brows knotting in uncertainty.
Nino snorted, but approached the bench anyway and rather begrudgingly sat beside him. Jun stopped walking, too, and stood beside the bench to lazily toe on a patch of dried leaves on the ground.
Nino looked at Sho for a moment, making him gasp at the intensity of that stare, before sighing and leaning heavily on the backrest. “You do look different today, Sho-chan.”
“Eh?”
“Different, yes,” Jun mumbled without looking up from his leaves.
Sho frowned at the seemingly detached man. “What’s wrong with him?”
“The same thing that’s wrong with you,” Nino said. “And me. And everybody else in this place. Look, we’re even wearing the same uniform.”
“This is not a uniform...” Sho’s voice trailed off when he looked down and saw the matching white shirt and pajama pants he was wearing that’s completely identical to the ones that Jun and Nino had on. “What the...?!”
“Hm... You see it now, ne? Maybe now you’ll stop acting like you’re better than the rest of us.”
“What?” Sho’s eyes were suddenly brimming with tears, and he could not even begin to understand why. “What is this place? Where am I?”
“It’s home,” Nino’s gaze swept across the courtyard with pride. “And you’ve been living here for the last five years. Your grandmother took you here, herself.”
“My grandmother is dead.”
“So you keep telling yourself.”
“But she’s dead,” Sho whined, his whole body shuddering from his mind’s effort to keep up with his lies. “She’s dead.”
Nino fixed him with a look of sympathy. Even Jun raised his head and stopped toeing his leaves.
“Sho-chan, you’re getting better,” Nino said slowly, like he was afraid Sho might miss a significant word. “Please don’t waste Masaki’s efforts. He really cares, you know.”
“Satoshi-kun hasn’t been home for days now...” Sho was grasping at unraveling straws.
Nino sighed and exchanged quiet looks with Jun before pulling something out from his pants pocket.
A yellowed sheet of paper he pressed into Sho’s palm while saying, “You have to stop. You need to stop, Sho-chan.”
Nino let go of his wrist and gave him time to look at the paper, an old newspaper clipping that burned through the scales in Sho’s eyes and made him finally see this place for what it was. His life for what it had never been.
“No,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief and covering his mouth to hold back the dozen screams of agony that was piling up in his throat.
Because he was beginning to understand the lies he had been surrounding himself with in a desperate attempt to preserve a familiar space. The only kind of life he knew he could understand, despite the pain, despite the complications, despite the tears and the constant heartbreak, and everything else he had to endure.
It was the only life he knew he deserved.
“No,” he sobbed, trying to close his eyes to the truth. But it’s already been seared into his mind, and he could no longer turn back now.
And then Nino was saying, “Satoshi’s never coming back...”
And Sho was wailing loudly and crashing to the ground, cursing everything and everyone like it was their fault that Satoshi was gone.
Sho struggled against the set of strong hands that grabbed him, gasped at a tiny prick of pain on the side of his neck, and helplessly surrendered himself to the comfort of the ensuing darkness.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 30, 1998
2123
I’ll never forget this day.
This day marked a turning point in my life
One that I can’t even explain, or describe with much justice.
But I’m going to write about it.
Because I’d like to remember it for the rest of my life.
About a week ago, I met a boy.
Who thought I was a girl.
Who eventually realized I wasn’t, but still told me he liked me anyway.
He said he was going to kiss me, before he leaves.
He vowed he was going to make me want it.
And I laughed at his face.
Like the way he laughed at my drawings.
“That’s impossible!” I said. “I’m a boy!”
Dammit, Satosh-kun! I’m a boy!
I really shouldn’t have spoken out too soon.
But, that’s Sho Sakurai for you.
Surprisingly gullible, like you wouldn’t believe.
Satoshi-kun only had to show me a sketch he did.
Of us kissing behind a tree, in the park, close to the swings, at sunset.
With the date arrogantly printed in a corner.
Like he knew for sure it was going to come true.
“Aren’t you curious?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
And he went on to describe how it felt like to kiss someone.
Like he knew, for sure, what he was talking about.
Pursing his lips and wiggling his tongue, even.
Like he’s really done it for real.
He’s probably just read those things somewhere.
I wouldn’t put it pass him, you know.
The sleazy bastard that he is!
“You’re blushing, Sho-chan,” he said. “It gets you thinking, right?”
“No,” I said.
And then he took my hand, and pulled me to a cluster of trees.
And I willingly went with him.
Because it really did get me thinking.
“See,” he said, pinning me to a tree. “You want it now, right?”
“No,” I said.
But I closed my eyes anyway.
And I shivered all over when I felt his lips on mine.
Like, I couldn’t quite tell if I was disgusted, or embarrassed.
Or embarrassed that I wasn’t disgusted.
“But... I’m a boy!...” I said.
“Does it even matter now?” he said,
His breath felt comforting, and reassuring against my face.
And I just... gave in.
I couldn’t really describe how I felt then.
Maybe there’s just no describing it.
Just that it felt good to be held the way Satoshi-kun held me.
To be touched the way that Satoshi-kun touched.
To be loved the way that only Satoshi-kun can do.
I don’t even remember how we even made it to his room.
I just remembered feeling embarrassed when one of his aunts smiled at me like she didn’t know what his stupid nephew was up to.
But what I would remember this day for—most of all—is the promise that Satoshi said, when the sun had completely set, and we had both come down from all the peaks we have reached together.
Satoshi had looked into my eyes with such intensity that for a moment, I had a vision of him flickering into an older version of himself.
Still beautiful, still intense, and still keeping the promise he had given me tonight—
“I’ll take care of you from now on...”
I think I may have cried a river in his arms.
And I’m sure he’s going to tease me about it for the rest of our days.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
The memories never really leave his mind. They just become more vivid at this time of year.
Tucked safely in the darkness that he often chooses to wrap himself in, when the days get colder and the nights feel lonelier, Sho hugs his knees to his chest and loses himself in tearful memories of the boy who still owns his heart.
He frees one hand and fishes out a polished chrome Zippo from his pocket, the one that the scatterbrained guy who bumped into him a while ago had unknowingly lent.
The thing feels deceptively cold against his palm, making tiny nerve endings in his fingers shudder. His hand trembles a little as he flips the lid off the lighter, then flicks it close again, doing the same thing over and over while humming a made-up tune to himself.
And then he finally slides his thumb down the thumbwheel, igniting a flickering yellow and blue flame that instantly chased the darkness away. Then closes the lid on it again.
He stays still for a couple of minutes, keeping an ear out for possible intruders.
Hearing nothing but silence, he settles back into the warmest corner of his safe place, pulls the small, worn-out journal tucked in the garter of his pants, and ignites the Zippo’s flame once again.
He doesn’t even flinch when he feels a familiar presence beside him—the flimsy image of a boy, born out of his memories from a long time ago, flickering in and out in time to the rhythmic dancing of the flames.
Satoshi Ohno is seventeen years old again. His beautiful, translucent face is still just as round as Sho remembers it, his cheeks are just as fleshy, and his eyes are just as naughty as he peers over Sho’s shoulder and reads about himself.
Sometimes, Satoshi says something funny, and Sho will end up snorting and covering his mouth for fear of getting found out.
Most times, Satoshi just stays quiet and lets Sho have his moment with all the precious memories he has written along with the feelings he has always kept in his heart.
And when he finally closes the covers of his old journal on the very last entry, and starts sniffing and muttering, “I’m sorry... I’m sorry...” like he thinks he’s to blame for all the sins of the world, that’s when he feels the most comforting warmth surrounding his shoulders, spreading all the way through to his soul.
He shivers when a contrastingly cold draft blows into his ear, “You’re such a crybaby, Sho-chan.”
“I am not,” he whispers back, smiling through his tears because this isn’t the first time Satoshi has teased him about them.
He remembers his grandmother say that whenever a star falls from the sky, a soul goes up to God in exchange for it.
Not one star fell for Satoshi that night. He waited for one, but not one came.
And Sho has taken this to mean that his friend, his beloved, is still here.
Forever here with him.
“I love you, Sho-chan,” The draft draws a pleasant trail across his face.
“Please don’t leave me...” he says as the fire goes out and he feels a light and surprisingly warm kiss brush against his lips.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
January 10, 1999
2124
I saw my mom again, several days ago.
I’m only writing about it now because...
A lot of things have happened.
She was with me in my safe place that night.
I thought I was dreaming, because I have just woken up to the thick smell of smoke clogging up my chest.
But now I know for sure.
She was there.
She was right beside me.
She even held my hand when my dad started screaming.
She held me back, when I heard Satoshi’s voice calling out my name.
Then my mom was leaning forward and was kissing my forehead and...
I don’t really remember anything else after that.
I woke up in a hospital.
And they started telling me that my father’s house has just burned down.
And that it was nothing short of a miracle that I survived.
Because while everything else has crumbled down around it, my mom’s empty closet remained intact.
And I remained unscathed inside it.
That was when I remembered mom.
That was when I knew why she never came back for me.
And it broke my heart to realize that maybe...
Just maybe... she didn’t really leave.
Because she was there, when I really needed her the most.
She saved my life.
And then they were telling me that my father was dead.
That the fire has been his fault.
Drunk as he was, the old bastard fell asleep while smoking a cigarette.
Then it caught on fire on the carpet and almost killed me, too.
Right after he’s just beaten me raw for not coming home for days.
For choosing a dumb-looking city boy over my own father.
And then they were telling me that Satoshi-kun was gone, too.
But, that’s impossible.
Because he couldn’t have been in that fire, right?
When I heard him call my name, that was just me imagining things.
Satoshi-kun just... went home.
Because he’s only here for two weeks, anyway.
He’s only here for two weeks.
He’s gone back home now.
And he’s going to forget about me.
He couldn’t have been in that fire that night!
That’s just... stupid.
Stupid, Satoshi-kun.
You’re stupid!
And I hate you so much right now!
You couldn’t have been in that fire...
You’re not that stupid,
You’re not stupid.
You’re not...
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
This isn’t the first time that Sho Sakurai has gotten him in trouble.
It’s the tenth time this month that they have found the man snuggled up to a corner of his bathroom, his fingers clutched tightly around a flip-top lighter and his old journal pressed hard against his chest.
Sho let go of the lighter and willingly handed his journal to him, both of them knowing quite well that superbly kind Nurse Masaki will end up giving it back anyway.
Masaki’s superior has told him, time and time again, that he shouldn’t be too lenient with his patients.
“I’m sorry, Okada-sensei,” he mumbles into his collarbone, biting his lip and fidgeting like a boy that’s been caught snooping on his grandfather’s porn collection.
“Why don’t you give him a penlight?” Okada-sensei says, his face and tone flat like he doesn’t really mean to say what he just said.
Masaki looks up and drops his jaw in confusion. “Huh?”
“A penlight,” Okada-sensei says again, his words barely spilling down the side of his lips as he pretends to straighten a stack of patient files on his desk. “Give him one.”
“Can I...?”
“Don’t make me repeat myself, Masaki!’
“H-Hai!”
“And don’t let that idiot Maruyama come to this ward again!”
“Yes, sir!” He makes a comical salute that draws a small smile from Okada-sensei before the older man waves him away.
As Masaki saunters down the hallway from the nurse supervisor’s office, whistling to himself and making mental notes of his mental note to buy a penlight for Sho, he finds himself inadvertently heading towards his most special patient’s room.
He knows he’s not supposed to play favorites, but Sho Sakurai is the first patient whose progress he has personally overseen. And even though it hasn’t been easy at all during their first couple of months together, and everything just got harder still after the wily patient Nino (who thinks he’s a nurse sometimes) slipped Sho that newspaper clipping about the house fire that killed his father and his friend, Masaki is still grateful for every moment of it because through it all, he has learned a lot about himself, about his job, and about the undeniable powers and miracles of true love.
“Hey,” he says, leaning casually on the door frame of Sho Sakurai’s new room. Since the man has been showing tremendous progress—except for the occasional lapses when they find him in the bathroom in the morning—Okada-sensei has arranged for Sho to be transferred to a much better lodging with a more homey feel to it.
Well, most of it is because Sho’s overjoyed grandmother has told them to give his grandson everything he will ever need to get better faster, after Sho finally recognizes her on one of her random visits.
“Hey,” Sho smiles back—he does that more often now—before putting the book he’s been flipping idly through back to the open shelf beside his bed.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Good.” Sho pulls another book and starts flipping again. “When will I have my journal back?”
“Later,” Masaki says. “Okada-sensei says I should give you a penlight.”
Sho’s head snaps up from his book, his eyes practically sparkling with excitement. “Really?!”
“It’ll be my Christmas gift for you.”
Sho frowns dubiously. “But you’re not supposed to give us gifts, right?”
“It’ll be our secret then, ne?” He presses a finger to his lips and pouts. “You’re not going to tell on me, are you?”
“No.” Sho smiles and looks straight into his eyes—for the tenth time, because Nurse Masaki cares enough to keep count. “Thank you, Aiba-san.”
Masaki feels like jumping up and down with delight, though Sho’s surprising politeness still makes him cringe sometimes.
It’s moments such as this that makes his job, and everything he has to give and give up for it, worthwhile.
“Well, then. I’ll be going now.”
“And my journal?”
“I’ll hand it to you on my way out.”
And Masaki is sauntering off again, towards the nurse’s lounge this time, while whistling a happier tune than before.
He may be a little too lenient, true. But if it helps Sho cope with his new reality, find comfort in his momentary madness as he takes each small step towards a full recovery, who is he to deny the man his happiness?
Maybe, in time, Sho Sakurai will eventually learn to forgive himself.
∞•∞•∞•∞•∞
December 30, 1999
2355
List of things that Sho Sakurai did wrong—
* My dad’s breakfast.
* My dad’s lunch.
* My dad’s dinner.
* My artpieces.
* My chores.
* My life.
One thing that Sho Sakurai did right—
* Satoshi-kun
#####
***Pun joke not mine. I snagged it from here.
***The holidays got to me, so it’s kind of a happy ending? XD
***Thank you very much for reading! :)
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it's really sad, yet so beautiful... TToTT and the 1st part was really tearin up my heart, you know ><
but, again, I LOVE YOU for making me cry for the beauty of this fic, that's why I loooove The Little Match Girl, somehow it's a heartwarming, just like this one, although someone must gone.. TToTT
and my most favorite part in this fic is of course Sho-chan's journal <33333 I super love the way you wrote his entries and it's a kind of happy ending too <33333
Otsukaresama~ Rin-chan *hugs&kisses
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and I'll give a listen to "Saturate Me" too XD
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I super love Evanescence, too. And Mandy Moore (though their music are very different from each other xD). I think listening to "Saturate Me" tempered the angst of the plot and helped lead it to the sort of happy ending it had (the temptation to give it a dark ending was totally defeated, lol!). <333
And I really love the challenge that the retelling requests is giving me, so thank you very much, Laora-chan! //bigbighugs
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I know some of her songs actually, but I never knew about 'saturate me' before reading this ^^
and I'm one of those who loves listening to many different genres of music too XD
oh, really? I'm glad you love the challenge given and I'm the one who should thank you here for taking my request pile XD *hugshugs<3
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can you please stop me from adoring such a sadistic yet terribly sweet O?! nevermind that he's sort of like a delusion (at least in that part) XD him telling sho he loves him.. the possessiveness.. the dominance.. <3
also, i'm having issues with sho actually becoming better... cause that's like, reality biting. me no want Satoshi-kun dead :( although i do know that he's alive in sho's heart.. still!!!! me no want him dead :(
nevertheless, i totally love those entries sho made in his journal <3 the way he described Satoshi, all the feelings he had were preserved there and that's just <3<3<3
and to think that he got sort of crazy because of it, that another thing that i find sweet. he loves Satoshi that much <3 (told ya i'm feeling twisted)
thank you so much for sharing this.
sorry for the completely weird and quite possibly, creepy comment.. lol you know why. XD
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And we do share the same fondness for dominant O, ne~
We all do need a little madness in our lives, so I'd like to believe that Satoshi will forever stay as that madness to keep Sho "sane". But you're right. I don't want a dead Satoshi-kun either. T.T
And I am really happy that the journal has done its job well. ^-^
Love always makes us feel twisted, ne. Crazy twisted, lol! <333
Thank you very much for reading and sharing your thoughts, Mela-chan~!
And LOL! It's not weird at all, but it's really sort of creepy. (I was kidding!) XDDD
//bigbighugs <333
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I love how there are Sho's journals which make it like I read 'his life' from his pov. His thoughts are sad and lovely and funny too when he wrote about his Satoshi ♡
The fact that Sho couldn't forget about Satoshi and still in love with him somehow makes it a happy ending. At least for me XD.
Thank you! *and I squint aimiya a little here, if you don't mind (o´艸`) lol*
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And it makes me really glad that Sho's journal served its purpose well, as did the supposed happy ending. ^-^
And the Aimiya was intentional, lol. <333
no subject
very sad and very good.
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In his mind, this is the kind of life that Sho believes he deserves for not being able to forgive himself for what happened to Satoshi. He thinks Satoshi should hate him, but then he also wants Satoshi to love him. It's a complicated way of coping with how he feels about the whole thing. I don't really think I understand half of it myself. xD
Thank you very much for reading, Eva~! //hugs <333
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aah thanks for sharing this bittersweet fic *that leaving a deep wound in my heart* aw
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Ohno's character does give that impression at first, but he's really not so bad ne~ <333
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Poor sho //hugs him tight
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Thank you very much for reading, Lia~! <333
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Thanks for sharing XD
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Thank you very much for reading! <333